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Grow up in a safe and loving family is something that everyone deserves. Unfortunately, this is not something that everyone gets. Too often, children find themselves in the care of people who are simply not equipped to be parents - creating a toxic dynamic within the household rather than healthy relationships. These same dynamics often go well in adulthood. But what does it really mean to have a toxic mother? We have consulted mental health professionals to get their ideas and advice. Read the rest to find out more about what matters as real toxicity and warning signs that you should be aware.

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What is a toxic mother?

To recognize the signs of a toxic mother, you must first understand exactly what it is.

As Beverly Hills psychiatrist and author Carole Lieberman , MD, explains to Better life , a "toxic mother" is generally the one who "puts her desires or the needs in front of her child".

"It is a mother who is self-implicated and immature and, therefore, cannot be there for her child or even see who is her child and what they might need", " approved clinical psychologist Maya Weir , PsyD, Sharing.

How do toxic mothers affect their children?

Toxic mothers are not only passively selfish. Instead, the behavior of the toxic mother "negatively affects the emotional, psychological and sometimes physical well-being of her child," said Authorized family and marriage therapist Rachel Goldberg , Ms.

"When people refer to a toxic mother, they often indicate models of manipulation, control, neglect or abuse," she said. "Over time, these behaviors can have a significant impact on the self -esteem of a child, the feeling of safety, external relations and overall mental health."

Dive a little deeper, Sophie Cress , A Authorized and family wedding therapist With more than eight years of experience, warns that the risks of having a toxic mother are "significant and extended".

"A toxic mother is a parent whose actions and commitments with her children are always harmful, manipulative or negligent, creating an unhealthy and often damaging atmosphere," she said. "These actions disrupt the natural development of a relationship between parents-child, resulting in various emotional and psychological problems for the child."

These problems may include "low self-esteem and self-esteem; chronic anxiety, depression and difficulty trusting their own perceptions and feelings; a deep feeling of non-life; confusion of identity; And a persistent feeling of insufficiency ", according to Cress.

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9 signs of a toxic mother

Although it can be "difficult and painful" to recognize that your mother is toxic, there will probably be indicators, according to Cress. In fact, she says that there are generally several "clear signs that indicate a toxic maternal relationship". Read the rest to find out what you should be aware.

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1. She constantly criticizes you.

According to a toxic mother according to a toxic mother, one of the "greatest revealing signs" Rachel Ann Dine , A Approved professional clinical advisor Located in southern California.

"The whores could go from the reprimand of what you ordered for lunch to the way you adorn your own child - and may be centered on who you are as a person or healthy choice that you have made in your life" , she explains.

Constant criticisms on the part of a parent can "create high levels of doubt" in a child, which led him to have "difficulties in making decisions that feel healthy" for themselves, Note dine.

2. She always compares you to someone else.

If she does not criticize you openly, a toxic mother could also turn to get back subtly through constant comparisons with brothers and sisters, peers or even foreigners, according to Goldberg. AE0FCC31AE342FD3A1346EBB1F342FCB

"They will do so in a way that decreases the value of the child," she notes. "For example, a mother could say," Why can't you dress more appropriately like your friend? "Which can damage a child's self -esteem and create a scenario where he thinks he must compete to draw positive attention."

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3. She never gives you a tour to speak.

Since a toxic mother is the one who puts her needs in front of her child, you will find that you do not have much time to talk about you. On the contrary, you may notice that she "she speaks and speaks of conversations" and never takes the time to "listen to her child", according to Weir.

"Mothers are generally supposed to be curious about the experiences of their children and do their best to meet the needs of their children," she said. "Thus, when the mother lacks curiosity and is more occupied by her own needs than the needs of her child, they are indicators of a toxic mother."

4. She always finds ways to reject your feelings.

Even if you are lucky enough to speak, you may not find it very beneficial. Indeed, a toxic mother is often "emotionally unavailable, indifferent or disdainful of her child's feelings and needs", explains Goldberg.

For example, imagine a child who condemns himself to his mother to be the victim of intimidation at school and to be afraid to go back.

"A toxic mother could answer with:" Life is difficult, and you must harden - if you cannot manage this, you will have trouble in life ", which sends the message that feelings and fears of the 'Children are invalid "," Goldberg Shares.

5. She is a master of emotional manipulation.

The triggering of guilt, passive-aggressive behavior or the game of the victim are also common tactics in the manual of a toxic mother. Emotional manipulation as this is only one of the ways it can take control of the actions and emotions of her child, according to Goldberg.

"For example, a toxic mother could say:" I just made your favorite dinner, and now you are going to your friends and leaving me here for the evening? "," Said Goldberg. "This sends the message that the actions of the child are responsible for the feelings of others, which led them to believe that they have to distance themselves from people to avoid being blamed for the emotions of others."

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6. She has unpredictable mood swings.

Taking note of your mother's changing mood can also help shed light on your relationship. This is because "one of the identification characteristics of a toxic mother is her mood swings that cannot be predicted and are intense", said Michael Anderson , MY, Authorized professional advisor and clinical director of Healing Pines Recovery.

"In this case, the child finds it very difficult to say how she will react in different circumstances," he explains. "This lack of predictability can lead to wild emotional fluctuations for the child, which can feel anxiety, fear or extreme vigilance."

Not only that, but that "also makes the impression of a child as if he has to carefully make his mother," added Anderson.

7. She interferes with your other relationships.

Another common sign of a toxic mother is the one who has a diagram "to interfere with the relations of their children", " Guarino Ginamarie , LMHC, approved therapist and founder of Psychpoint, tells Better life .

"This can be in the form of starting arguments with the other significant, to be shame, to reject them or to deposit them, or to require the time and attention of their children at inappropriate times to train a Ditch between the couple, "she suggests.

A toxic mother can also be quick to fit into your relationship problems, to cross your limits as a couple, then to act confused when faced with her behavior.

"All of these behaviors are carried out in order to maintain a feeling of possession and control over their children," said Guarino.

8. It has excessive control in other parts of your life.

A toxic mother could not only try to control her child's personal relationships. She can also try to influence too many other major life choices, such as their career, justifying her control "by claiming to know what is best", according to Cress.

"This conduct can lead to persistent anxiety and indecision in children because they grow unable to make their own choices," she shares.

With this type of control, a toxic parent could also try to project "his own unseat aspirations and his unresolved problems on the child, putting them pressure to meet expectations that are not their own," notes Cress.

"This can cause confusion about identity and feelings of bitterness," she said.

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9. Her love tends to be conditional.

Unconditional love is a huge component of healthy parental relationships. The love of a toxic mother, on the other hand, is often conditional, says Becca Reed , Lcsw, a perinatal Mental health and trauma therapist With almost 15 years of experience.

"This generally means that affection is only shown when the child meets specific expectations or behaviors, which leads to feelings of unworthiness and insecurity," she explains.

How you can cure your experience with toxic parents

This can take years to realize that the relationship between you and your parents is not healthy. But recognizing these signs and reconciling with the fact that you have a toxic mother is often the "first step towards healing", shares Goldberg.

If you work to create a healthier relationship between you and your mother during your healing process, Goldberg advises to establish clear and firm borders.

"For example, let your mother know that if she criticizes you, you will leave the dinner table and finish your meal in your room," she suggests, while recognizing that "this may only be possible when someone One is older and more linked by the rules of their mother.

Goldberg also recommends looking for additional support during your healing trip.

"A therapist can help you treat past experiences, develop adaptation strategies and learn what healthy relationships involve," she notes. "If you are younger, talk to the school advisor to obtain advice and potentially explore family therapy options can also be beneficial."

When is it acceptable to move away from a toxic mother?

"It is important to recognize that the term" toxic "does not necessarily mean that the mother is a bad person, but rather that her behavior is harmful," says Reed, noting that these behaviors often come from the "not resolved problems of the mother and emotional of the immaturity mother. "

However, if you put the work to heal your relationship and your mother is not, it may be time to limit your contact with her. But how can you be sure that this is the right decision to make?

"Although moving away from a toxic mother is a deeply personal decision, some guidelines can help determine if this is appropriate," said Goldberg. "If a mother negatively affects someone's daily life to the point where the reduction in links would probably lead to mental, emotional or physical improvement, and no other resolution seems possible, it could be time to consider getting away . "

According to Goldberg, situations that may ask you to move away can include chronic emotional violence, physical violence and violations of serious borders.

"In the end, if the relationship causes more harm than good and no effective use is available, it is valid to go away to heal and treat," she said. "This decision can always be reassessed later to consider reopening the relationship."

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How can you avoid becoming a toxic mother yourself?

Toxicity can often also become a cycle in families. If the relationship between you and your mother "models an unhealthy dynamic that your own children can see, it could be the right time to cut links to demonstrate the importance of taking care of you," notes Goldberg.

But how can you be sure not to become a toxic mother for your own children? Well, self-awareness and self-reflection are the two key factors you need to consider, according to Goldberg.

"Regularly think about your behavior and attitudes with your children, to establish and respect healthy limits and to accept the moment when your child sets limits with reason," she advises. "If in doubt, ask other mothers how they manage the situation - not because they are necessarily right, but to gain another perspective."

At the same time, it is also important to recognize that "errors are inevitable, especially if healthy behaviors were not modeled for you", shares Goldberg. "The key is to recognize errors, apologize and work on a positive change."

Wrap

This is all for our guide supported by experts on the signs of a toxic mother. Make sure you soon check with us for more advice on relationships that can make all the difference when it comes to understanding and navigating the dynamics of your family.