Good Lifestyle

Meet parents ,, Beautiful beautiful ,, Guess who comes to dinner ,, The big patient . These are just a small handful of famous films on toxic in-laws. And it's a common Hollywood trope for a reason: many people can refer. In an ideal world, to marry would mean being honored with a bonus set of loving, accepting and supporting parents. But for many, this is not the case. Although you cannot control who your parents-in-law are, the therapists say they can recognize their toxic ways is the first step towards the protection of your well-being-and even your relationship with your spouse.

So what are the signs of toxic in-laws that you should look for? Read the rest for an expert overview not only on how to identify this behavior, but also some useful tips on how to manage toxic in-laws so that you do not have to compromise your emotional or mental health.

In relation: 5 crucial limits that you must set with your parents-in-law, say the therapists .

How is toxic behavior defined?

First of all. What makes someone's behavior "toxic?"

According to Becca Reed , LCSW, a perinatal therapist in mental health and trauma , any harmful behavior - let's say, in a way that control , manipulator or disrespectful - can be considered toxic.

Another way to think about it is the way behavior affects you.

If someone's actions or words constantly make you uncomfortable, in distress, anxious or otherwise upset, it is a good sign that his behavior is toxic, said Kathryn Smilling , LCSW, a Psychotherapist based in Manhattan in private practice.

In relation: 5 red flags your parent is a narcissist, according to the therapists .

5 signs of toxic in-laws

Do you think your mother-in-law or stepfather could present toxic behavior? Determine if one of the following signs of toxic in-laws seems familiar. AE0FCC31AE342FD3A1346EBB1F342FCB

1. They find the fault with almost everything you do.

A characteristic sign of toxic in-laws is a constant criticism. This can let you be frustrated or defeated - and you can even see that this behavior weighs on Your self -esteem .

"They could frequently criticize your choices, your appearance or your parental style," explains Kristie TSE , LMHC, approved psychotherapist and founder of Discover mental health advice . "Persistent criticism can undermine your self -esteem and create a hostile environment. This shows a lack of respect and support."

2. They have no borders and ignore yours.

In a good relationship, the two people can respect the borders of the other . So, if you have a in-laws that continues to trample the limits you set, it is a red flag.

Here are some examples of what it might look like, according to Smerling and Reed:

• Ask invasive questions even after refusing to answer them.
• Made up unexpectedly when you asked them not to do it.
• Insist in participating in financial decisions between you and your spouse despite not having been asked for help.

This can be particularly confusing if your in-laws accept your limits after having vocalized them, but that their actions do not line up. This is a classic example of passive-aggressive behavior.

3. Guilt trips never end.

No matter what efforts you make to spend time on vacation or how much you try to include them in your child's life, toxic mothers and parents-in-law can give you the impression that it is never enough. They will say everything they can so that you felt guilty in order to do you.

"They could say things like:" If you really care about us, you visit more often: "Doing you feel guilty for not meeting their expectations," said Reed.

4. They undermine you in front of your children.

If you notice that your parents -in -law often offers unlined advice - or even go behind your back to make decisions relating to your family without consulting you - it is a solid sign that their behavior has become toxic.

For example, Reed notes that they could say something like "you don't feed the children properly", just in front of your children, which undermines your confidence and your authority as a parent.

"The parenthood of grandchildren is a common space for intrusion by parents-in-law", explains Bill Eddy , LCSW, approved therapist and co-founder and president of the High conflict institute .

For example, they can try to return your children against you or cut you from the image by saying things like: "Your mother / father does not understand what you need as we do", or "next time , come to us when you need something rather than your mom / father.

"Toxic in-laws can try to replace all the rules you have in place, as to give your child a phone at the dinner table despite the fact that time is supposed to be without screen," explains Smerling. "It may feel you are belittle and confusing to your children."

5. They move the pot.

A toxic brother-in-law will find ways to generate a drama within your family. According to Reed, they can even try to create tensions between you and your partner.

"They could spread rumors, take sides in conflicts or put family members against each other," said TSE. "The stirring conflict can create a family divider and hostile family environment, resulting in emotional damage and lasting stress."

In relation: I am therapist and it is 6 signs that your brother is toxic .

Back and not to face toxic in-laws

At this point, you may think: "So my parents-in-law are toxic-what now?" The most important thing to remember is that although you cannot control the behavior of your parents-in-law, you can Control how you react, how long you spend with them and how you communicate your limits.

Below, the therapists share proven advice on how to manage toxic in-laws.

Do: set firm limits with consequences.

Overall, toxic in-laws hate borders. But even if there is no guarantee that they will respect them, that does not mean that you should not yet establish the law.

"Be clear on what you want and will not tolerate," explains Reed.

The key here is to also communicate what are the consequences if they exceed these limits.

For example, let's say you define a border they have to call before you stop. In this case, you can let them know that you will not be able to do them in the house if they fall unexpectedly.

To do: climb on the same wavelength as your partner.

It is super important to present a united front when it comes to toxic in-laws. If they know that you and your partner are on the same wavelength, then they will not be able to do without you and oppose each other, says Eddy.

More specifically, you and your spouse may want to discuss the type of behavior and are not acceptable with your children, how often you want to see them and how you want to manage the situations where they lack respect for your limits.

"Make sure you and your partner support each other and accept how to manage situations," said Reed. "Teamwork is essential to manage toxic in-laws."

Do not: be sucked in arguments without victory.

"Try not to fight," says Reed. "It is normal to move away from confrontation and conversations that are no longer productive."

If you notice that your in-laws are not able to listen to what you say, you are put on the defensive, or that you are forced to repeat yourself again and again, it may be time to end to conversation.

"The arguments that increase tension can strengthen toxic dynamics," adds TSE.

To do: Consider looking for professional support.

Remember: you don't have to sail in your relationship with toxic in-laws alone. If their behavior affects your mental health, your relationship or your family life, plan to find a therapist specializing in problematic family dynamics.

"A therapist can provide you with strategies to manage difficult parents-in-law and help you maintain your well-being," says Reed.

It can be particularly useful to work with a therapist if you decide to switch to limited or contactless contact - with your parents -in -law.

Do not: lean at their level.

A toxic brother-in-law can say things that are triggered in order to put you in response that justifies their behavior. Do not fall for that, says Smerling - it will only overcome things.

"Try not to match their hostility in emails or SMS," adds Eddy. "Take the high road and stay calm. You can use brief, informative, friendly and firm answers. This maintains the conversation focused on problem solving rather than on blame and defense."

If in doubt, he says that you can fall back on answers in terms of facts like "I see him differently, so I suppose that we will just have to agree to disagree."

"Remember, their toxic behavior is about them, not to you," said Eddy Better life . "When you do not do emotionally, toxic people are often bored and are looking for someone else to disturb."

To do: direct with empathy and appreciation.

Speaking of taking the high road, Eddy recommends seeking opportunities to give your in-laws of empathy, attention and respect for your parents-in-law.

"From time to time, find something you appreciate about them and say it regularly," he said.

According to Eddy, this tactic can actually be super disarming. This can be particularly useful for disseminating tensions if you try to encourage your children '' Relationship with their grandparents .

Do not do: internalize their negativity.

"Whatever you do, don't take their negative comments to heart or let them affect your self -esteem," said TSE. "Remember that their opinions do not define your value."

In relation: 4 signs that your parent enlightens you, the therapist says .

Conclusion

Unfortunately, you don't have a say that your parents-in-law are or how they behave. And if you have inherited toxic in-laws, you can find yourself fighting constant guilt trips, criticism, undermining and trampling the limits. The good news? You do not have to tolerate their toxic behavior - or to let it affect your ability to have a healthy and happy family life.

Clearly communicating what you want and will not tolerate, as well as the consequences if your parents-in-law does not respect these limits, can be a crucial first step. It is also a good idea to have current discussions with your partner on the behavior of your parents-in-law and to make sure that you are both on the same wavelength on what is acceptable and how to react When they go beyond.

Facing toxic in-laws can be extremely difficult, so above all, don't forget to show you patience and compassion when you sail in these relationships.

Finally, it is important to have a solid rock support system in place - whether it consists of friends, family members, your spouse and / or a therapist - to whom you can turn to Get advice and emotional validation.