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We all know a handful of people we say are a little full of themselves. Maybe they always publish selfies on social networks, or that they like to dominate the conversation in groups. But while most of these people can be a little sufficient, some may have a form of Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), especially if they display secret narcissistic features.

"Although many people use the term" narcissistic "very freely, narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is very different from narcissistic trends," clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly , PHD, author of The joy of imperfect love , tell Better life . "In the diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (DSM-5), the NDP is defined as including an omnipresent model of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), a constant need for admiration and a lack of empathy in various Contexts with the beginning of the beginning of adulthood. "

Manly adds that most of us have a few Level of narcissism which allows us to take care of ourselves and our needs, but those with NPD "tend to be very absorbed and lack of empathy". You don't know if anyone in your life has NPD? Read the rest for eight red flags which point out that your friend or family member is a secret narcissist.

In relation: I am a psychologist and these are the 5 revealing signs that someone is a narcissist .

What is secret narcissism?

There are several types of narcissism, but the secret form, otherwise known as "vulnerable narcissism", can be somewhat difficult to identify.

"The secret narcissists still express many traits revealing narcissism, such as self-importance, exaggeration and exploitation," said Beth Ribarsky , PHD, professor and director From the Communication and Media School to the University of Illinois Springfield. "However, they are much more subtle, which makes it easier to convert narcissists to get away with bad behavior and manipulate others."

Risk factors

• Abusive situations during childhood / trauma of childhood
• Be raised in a household where the emphasis was placed on the status or realization
• Overestimal or negligent parenting
• Genetic

In relation: 10 red flags your friend is a narcissist, say the therapists .

How do secret narcissists behave in a relationship?

In relationships, a secret narcissist will want to shoot the strings, whether they are aware of this or not.

"The self-absorbed trends of the secret narcissist are often present in a way that decreases, rejects or subtly ignores the needs of a partner," explains Manly. "Although often intelligent and capable of succeeding in the outside world, the lack of personal capacity of secret narcissistic makes the self-growth and the development of relationships very difficult."

Can anyone with a secret NDP be violent?

According to psychcentral, violence is not a final symptom of NDP. Someone with secret narcissism can become violent Just like someone without NPD can, depending on the circumstances. However, the secret narcissistic tends to internalize their pain, which could trigger aggressive behavior.

It should also be noted that according to a 2021 study Published in Current psychology , these secret or closet narcissists may be more likely to feel a narcissistic rage.

Can anyone with a secret NDP improve?

The question of whether a person with a secret TDP can improve will depend on the person and to know if he is ready to solve the problems with whom he has trouble.

"People with NDP can never be completely cured, but they can improve with appropriate treatment and therapy," said Ribarsky. "However, many people with NDPs never seek treatment because they do not see what they do as a problem, or if they seek treatment, they can hide some of their symptoms / problems because 'They don't want to admit weaknesses / faults. "

She adds: "An inability to be opened and honest with a therapist or an advisor can hinder growth and improvements."

In relation: 7 signs that you were raised by a narcissistic mother, says the therapist .

8 secret narcissistic features to look for

1. A need for validation and admiration

According to experts, secret narcissists are defined by their need for external validation and admiration.

"Rather than explicitly praising their importance of self, the secret narcissists will always ask for validation and admiration in fishing compliments by minimizing their achievements or giving compliments in reverse," explains Ribarsky.

This admiration also fulfills "their perpetual inner vacuum", according to Manly.

She explains: "The inner desire of the secret narcissistic of excessive attention often manifests itself through self-depreciating behaviors which are often irritating for others."

2. An exaggerated feeling of self -importance

Secret narcissists also have an increased feeling of their own importance. Although we can believe that narcissists are noisy and degrading, secret narcissists tend to use tactics like silent treatment to achieve it, which makes you feel small in the process.

"Rather than let you know explicitly to what extent they are more important than you, they will make subtle behaviors that will strengthen their superiority, as you get up, will present themselves late, ignore texts or emails, or not Make concrete plans with you, "Ribarsky says.

3. Inability to assume responsibility

When the time comes to say sorry or to own something, you will probably not get the answer you want with a secret narcissist.

"People with secret narcissism are largely incapable of remorse, responsibility and authentic empathy; this causes disarmony and continuous disconnection in relationships," said Manly.

In relation: 5 larger red flags someone is a narcissist, according to a high -level psychologist .

4. A need to be noticed

Going a little hand in hand with their need for admiration, the secret narcissists simply appreciate being REMARK .

"Although this is not obvious, they will be sure to make behaviors that would be considered favorably when someone else looks," said Ribarsky. "For example, they could wait until an employee or a cashier looks before putting money in the tip jar."

5. Feeling of insecurity

Although he feels counter-intuitive, secret narcissists can also have a low self-esteem or a bad self-image. AE0FCC31AE342FD3A1346EBB1F342FCB

"Maybe they haven't met their parents' standards, so now they are looking for excessive recognition and validation of others," said Ribarsky.

6. Passive aggressiveness

Secret narcissists are known to rely on passive-aggressive behavior, according to experts.

"They often get involved in passive-aggressive behavior to reach their way," said Ribarsky. "For example, they can make a lot of time feel guilty to spend more time with them or request the validation of others by falling back - by hiding others to highlight their forces."

Manly also warns that this passive assault can affect others directly.

"Secret narcissistic will often use passive-aggressive behaviors to meet their needs," she said. "This trend can be extremely exhausted on those faced with these toxic behaviors."

7. Extreme sensitivity to comments or criticism

According to Manly, secret narcissists do not react well if you try to offer constructive criticism or even general comments.

In general, they classify the opinions of others and critics, she says.

8. An inability to recognize the needs of others

A secret narcissist will also not be interested in hearing you and recognizing what you need, according to Courtney Hubscher , LMHC, LCPC, NCC, Cognitivo-behavioral therapy .

"Secret narcissists fight with empathy and find it difficult to understand or recognize the emotions and needs of others," she said. "This can lead to a lack of emotional support and validation in relationships, because the secret narcissistic focuses more on their own needs and desires."

In relation: Why you should never call a narcissist - and what to do instead, therapists say .

Narcissistic grandiose against secret narcissistic: what is the difference?

While secret narcissists have decisive features, these people are different from their manifest counterparts - also known as "magnificent narcissists" - which are content with more stereotypical narcissistic personality traits.

"Manifest narcissism is the most classic form that tends to be clearly obvious through chronic displays of self-absorbed behavior," explains Manly. "Secret narcissism ... is the most subtle form that can be difficult to detect given the less obvious nature of egocentric behavior."

Manifest and secret narcissists have self-absorbed needs, they use different methods to meet them. According to Manly, "while the manifest narcissist tends to be openly aggressive and hostile, the secret narcissist tends to be an ignoring and passive-agressively hostile."

But even if the secret narcissists are "less probably egocentric" than the narcissists manifest, but that does not make them "less dangerous", warns Manly.

"In fact, the negative dynamics of secret narcissistic can be more destructive over time because their harmful models can be more difficult to detect," she said.

Things that someone with a secret NDP could say

• "Things are never your fault!"
• "You must always be right."
• "I can never" win "with you."
• "You are still mistaken."
• "I am tired of your constant criticism."
• "You are so demanding."
• "You don't know how to listen."
• "You are so inflexible and demanding."
• "You never take responsibility for anything."

How to manage a secret narcissist

If you think you can have a secret narcissist in your life, there are strategies that you can use to interact as best as possible with them, according to experts. Depending on the frequency you interact with them, you will want to envisage some different avenues.

1. Define healthy limits.

First and foremost, establish limits, says Hubscher.

"Secret narcissists can try to manipulate or control those around them," she explains. "It is important to set clear limits and stick, even if the person tries to push."

Once you have them in place, you must also remain firm.

"If we give him the opportunity, a narcissist will run a victim without distrust," warns Ribarsky. "The limits are not always easy, but if you feel that you are continuously lowered by another, define explicit limits of which behaviors you will accept. It is a key way to protect your own interests and Your self -esteem. "

2. Do not engage in games.

Another important tactic when it comes to secret narcissists is not to feed their manipulative trends.

"Secret narcissists often use emotional manipulation to get what they want," says Hubscher. "It is important not to engage in their games or give in to their requests."

This can also mean recognizing and repelling gas lighting tactics.

"Do not allow yourself to be lit in gas," urges Ribarsky. "It is not uncommon for a narcissist to be unusual to make others believe that they are inaccurate in their perceptions or are those who are at fault."

3. focus on your own importance and needs.

Experts also recommend focusing on yourself in these friendships or relationships, creating a distance if necessary.

"Secret narcissists can be exhausted and can try to do everything about them," said Hubscher. "It is important to prioritize your own well-being in these situations."

Ribarsky says that when possible, to move away from a secret narcissist can also be useful.

"There are many times when we have no choice but to interact with a narcissist, like a colleague. But limiting personal interactions can help avoid a victim," she said. "Take your lunch break at a different time. Try to avoid the committees where you will work with them."

She continues: "In case of friends or family, the best thing you can do is completely cut the relationship. Gas lighting or other manipulative behaviors."

In relation: 5 red flags your parent is a narcissist, according to the therapists .

How to cure secret narcissistic abuses

If you have the impression that you need a healing or a perspective after having treated with a narcissistic or even narcissistic abuse, you must prioritize the care of yourself and your needs. According to the therapists, you have some options, which force you to look both externally and internally.

1. Search for therapy.

Therapy and conversation with a mental health professional can help so many different aspects of life - and these types of relationships are not different.

"If you have been subjected to abuses from a secret narcissist, it is important to immediately seek mental health support," said Manly. "Like the NDP in any form whatsoever is often insoluble and difficult to treat, the only healthy way of going forward is to receive support in mental health in progress or to choose to leave the relationship."

2. Don't blame yourself.

Another important element of your healing process is to remember to show you a certain grace and not to be ashamed of the way someone with NPD has made you feel.

"The healing of sustained emotional violence in the hands of a secret narcissist can be particularly difficult because secret narcissists are often not present at the start as a narcissist; as such, he can take years to the Maltraity individual To understand the nature of toxic dynamics, "said Manly.

She adds: "This often gives rise to feelings of embarrassment, guilt and shame that require special attention and healing. Thoughts such as "I should have seen her earlier" or "I'm so stupid for not having achieved what was going on! 'often torment the victim. ""

3. Connect with safety people.

Among the adaptation skills such as meditation and breathing exercises, Manly also suggests promoting relationships with people in your life that do not present these secret narcissistic features.

"Those who are mistreated in relationships often close and avoid others due to internal shame and fear," she said. "Part of the healing process consists in connecting with security, magnetic and respectful people - the essential features that narcissistic is incapable or does not want to provide."

4. Work on your confidence.

In addition to being nice to yourself, you should also work to develop, especially if you had your confidence struck by a secret narcissist.

"It is not unusual for someone who was in a relationship with a secret narcissist, whether it was a family member, a friend, a romantic partner or even a work colleague, to have a sense of the 'Decreased self -esteem, "explains Ribarsky. "The narcissists are experts to reject others to try to strengthen their own self -esteem."

To do this, Ribarsky recommends looking for activities to which you excel, and like Manly, by building a support group of people who love you and respect you.

In relation: 5 red flags that your partner is a narcissist, according to the therapists .

Wrap

Open and secret narcissism presents their own diagnostic and clinical challenges, but the vulnerable form is particularly delicate, because it does not adhere to what we are taught the narcissistic behavior. This is why it is so vital to notice signs and solve problems with partners or narcissistic friends in your life.