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As the therapist who focuses onmodern loveI work with individuals and couples to decode their relational experiences. These inquiries go from "why I was ghost?" To "Am I with the wrong person"Each exploration aims to answer the underlying question:" Why does not this connection work and how can I operate it? "

What is the theory of attachment?

Theory of the attachment, introduced by the British psychologistJohn Bowlby In the 1950s, is the most widely cited science and the strongest that we have helped us understand how we get closer to others andWhy do we choose them as partners. The observations of mother / infant dynamics were used as a basis for showing us that the relationship we have with our parents or our caregivers, because babies affect the types of relationships we have with our romantic partners.

Despite its universal demand, the theory of attachment has been criticized to be ethnocentric and ignore the different cultural contexts in which it is rooted. For example, some behaviors of Western culture could beSeen and interpreted differently In some Asian cultures. It is important to realize that what I propose here is only a model and that fixed descriptions can not describe you totally.

What is my attachment style?

According toTheory of attachmentEach of us concerns one of three distinct ways. None of these styles is "bad" or "good". Instead, they guide us to our needs so that we can better specify ourselves and choose partners that are better suited to us.

Anxious attachment style (20% of the population)

These people are worried about their relationships and are often concerned about the ability of their partner to return the love they give. Example beliefs: My partner does not want to be so close to me than me. I can adapt my mood to meet the needs of my partner; If my partner is in a bad mood, I automatically believe that it's something I do wrong.

Many children attached with anxiety were required to reach their caregiver needs or had a parent who did not feed their independence, learning that, to "get", they had to "give" first. It made it difficult for them to trust what they are loved for whom theyare to their core, not just for what theyto do for the others. Their love quotient can be dependent on the approval of young people.

Style of attachment avoiding (25% of the population)

These people feel like a part of "we" designate that independence is lost and therefore avoids intimacy. Example of beliefs: I do not need anyone; I can do everything alone; If I do not complain about others, I can not be hurt by them.

In this case, the child was forced to adapt to a world in which the fastening figures were not available and are turned to toys, books and imaginary relationships in the form of substitutes. Caregivers may have been pushed back by the need for proximity to the child.

Secure fixing style (50% of the population)

These people feel at the ease with proximity and often say like "loving" people, maintain the sweet spot between independence and interdependence. Example beliefs: I deserve to give and receive love and affection; I think that's my right to do my needs and it is my responsibility to defend them; I support my own independence and that of the person I'm in a relationship with.

In children with a secure attachment, we can see that they have the freedom to ask what they want and they are easily soothed when they do not get it. This means that their caregivers were often emotionally, not only physically present, listening and accepting the needs of their children.

The science of romantic attraction

Ironically, people with anxious and avoiding attachment styles often find themselves in relationships with each other. "With near all couples, I worked with, ranging from Hispanic couples, young and old interracial couples, gay couples and rights, even polyamorous couples, not to mention those who want to be in a relationship, I ' found that people almost always adopt one of the two complementary roles between them, "writes the New York couple therapistBenjamin's sailor in his bookHidden dance.

In their most distressed states, the dynamics of anxious / avoiding relationship can be a painfully inefficient and monotonous game to push and shoot. For this reason, someRelational experts Recommend that anxiety and preventable systems are resistant to meet, and rather couple with secure systems.

In their bookAttached, psychiatrist and neuroscientistDr. Amir Levine andRachel HellerNotify individuals to be mistaken from an activated attachment system - aspiring to a person who sends messages he / she is unavailable - with feelings of love. "The next time you come out to someone and you feel worried, unsafe and obsessive - only to feel delighted with every day, tell it, it's probably an activated attachment system and not 'Love. Real love, in the sense of evolution, means peace of mind. "

In reality, it is difficult to deny the existence of something that looks like love. Not to mention, many of us are already deeply rooted in anxiety / avoiding unions. I therefore propose a framework and a set of five tools to navigate in conflicts of relationships in order to better serve you and your partner.

1. Understand the dependency paradox.

The paradox of dependency says that we can only be independent when we have a predictable relationship with an addiction. For example, children with secure attachments are capable of taking risks and explore onlybecause They know that their caregivers will remain a reliable source of presence and nanny on the basis of the house. Similarly in adulthood, in order to feel safe in romantic relationships, our partners must be able to answer the question "If I need you, will you be there for me?" affirmative.

Meanwhile, in Western culture, called "dependent" or "needy" insults and connotes weakness. And yet, we know about science that humans are wired for connection and those of us who have high quality relationships, live longer and healthier lives, living less loss of memory and cognitive decline. The soothing effects of the connection can even be seen in zone analyzes deep in the brain.

In its 2006 study on heterosexual couples, researcherJim Coan Identified that when a loved one holds his hand in a period of distress, he removes pain. Those who have been affected by their partners have considered their pain significantly lower than those who had to experience pain. Refaming "Buyers" as "humanity" is an essential first step in the construction of effective connections.

2. Identify the protest behavior.

Due to our need for basic proximity, we will demonstrate when we do not get it. Protest behavior is an action that tries to draw the attention of our partner to stay in relation to each other. These actions can go excessive text messages and try to make our partner jealous to eyes, get out of the room, ignore calls and threatening to end the relationship. Each of them is an attempt to be noticed and a call for connection; However, their impact often makes it possible to communicate the opposite feeling.

Instead of protesting, recognizing that your attachment system is enabled, telling you in a need you may have. Ask yourself: What do I need to know that my partner does not give me? And is it a need that I can meet me, go from another relationship in my life or find the words to ask my partner in a succinct demand?

3. Differentiate the past and the present.

When our emotional answer seems to be expedited (feel like "I do not matter" to my partner because she has forgotten to walk on the dog) or decrease (roll my eyes when my partner cries) compared to His trigger, he probably has historical roots. Differentiation between the wounds of the past and current transgressions creates opportunities for new notes stories in our attachment stories. The empathy of our partners can start by sharing what did not feel safe for us as children and how it is galvanized in the current dynamics. A simple statement like: "That's how I acted in childhood to survive, and I see that this answer now presents in our argument" could help reduce the safety of the fingers and increase relational safety .

In the event of security failure, place yourself in the past past instead of this interaction. Traumatic psychotherapistDr. Janina Fisher, recommend the language: "If it was not for your damned trauma [fill the white: negligence, abuse, abuse, unrealistic expectations, rejections of failure, judgment], you will feel safe together even when one of you are a shake! "

4. Blame the dynamics, not the individual.

Often sometimes our "Survival positions, "The beliefs and strategies we have put in place to meet our basic needs, activate our partner"vulnerabilities, "The sensitivities we provide past or current circumstances.

For example, the survival position of the flare system is to withdraw, which activates the sensitivity of the anxiated system to the fear of losing the connection. At the same time, the survival position of the anxiated system of the constant pursuit of "more" (contact, communication, opening) and the need for proximity, stimulates the sensitivity of the flared system to fear of failure and being a disappointment.

Seamman reminds us "it is very important to understand that the behavior to play" difficult to get "or" check ", or" possessive "or" naging "behavior [anxious tendency] is not a fixed line of a partner or the other. It's a behavior that happens in theContext of a relationshipAnd is often in reaction to the other person. "

The more couples can assign the conflict to thedynamic as opposed to a fault belonging to theindividual, The less there will be survival strategies to use, creating more security in the connection.

5. Rewire your brain.

Whatever the quality of our childhood attachments, we are born with the capacity and the need to do better. The science of neuroplasticity tells us that we can develop more ongoing connections by seeking and adding in what we have missed - the care, attention and acceptance we have not been given. A healthy and loving relationship is nourished by an emotional obligation that meets our basic need for a safe haven, a secure launch point to jump from our head and in our lives.

Instead of looking at the deficiencies of the styles of veasant / anxious attachment, recadrez them as potentially harmonizing and cure. Those who have a propensity to avoidance, have probably had to refuse their needs and go alone, so as not to clutter others. As a result, they developed a strong feeling ofindependence. Simultaneously, those who prejudiced with anxiety and insecurity often had to anticipate the needs of others and received a positive affirmation to meet them. As a result, they developed a strong feeling ofunity.

Those of us with more preventable survival positions need to be supported in the demand of our needs and receive help instead of retiring in isolation for safety (output). Meanwhile, those of us with more anxious survival positions require support to tend to our own garden instead of focusing on the provider relationship of good feelings and reassure (turning). Instead of being disagreement, anxiety and preventable types can benefit from the position of the other. Each has a history and a set of skills that can support the merger of individualism and interdependence, both the essential qualities of a flourishing relationship.

In order to transmit these capabilities in effective communication strategies, start by asking your partner: "What would make you feel safer right now?" This will allow you to learn from the strength of your partner and struggle and finally lead the relationship in a state of better alignment.

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