Good Lifestyle

When you and your partner have been together for a while, it may be natural to have sex less often. But if your sex life has become stopped - and you ended up in a totally sex-free wedding - it probably has more things to do with the relationship that sex itself. "Sexual problems are the symptoms, not the underlying question," says Psychotherapist Joyce Marter, speaker and president of theMidwest region of the American Council Association. Use these tips outside the room to re-illuminate this spark.

Open on the subject

"A lot of times people do not talk about [sex problems] because they are afraid of hurting their partners," said Marter. "Maybe they have feelings of shame or secret or insufficiency or general discomfort." To smother your emotions down will not solve any problem, so it is important to be open with your partner. If you are not satisfied, there is a good chance that your spouse is too, then discuss what's going on is the first step to find a solution.

Plan the discussion time outside your comfort zone

You may really want to get out of the house when you sit for a conversation about your sex life. "Ontimes, when people stay in the house, they come into their routine and do not work to put aside time to repair it," says Lisa Thomas, approved relationship and sexual therapist. Take a coffee or cocktail together, she suggests. By folding you from your normal space will help you stay focused on problem solving instead of letting the subject fall when you jump to do the dishes. Make sure you choose a place where you can mix if you are conscious of yourself on the ear.

Do not point your fingers

Although it is important to discuss ways to improve, extinguish the expressions that push blame to your partner. Try not to use phrases "you" as "you are always tired" or "You never want to experiment," suggests bit. "It's blaming," she says. "It's not a problem solving and it's not proactive." Instead, focus on what you would like to see more while highlighting your partner's strengths, she says. Try: "I really love you, and it's the desires I would like to explore with you."

Book time to talk every day

When you have a household and a family to take care of, conversations tend to focus on task lists, family calendar and work - often while scrolling simultaneously your phone. "We do not really take time thought of connecting with conscience with our partners in a really present and earth way," said Marter. "When you meet, you spend time to know you. In long-term partnerships, we forget how important it is." It recommends carving at least 20 minutes each day to speak - no phone, no telephones, no laptop and no discussion of invoices or household tasks. When you start opening again, you will build your emotional connection.

Hit the gym set

"I love working together because it reaches several goals while one," says Marter. If stress kills your libido and ends with a wedding almost without sex, exercise is a natural anxiety bus that can help you come back from the atmosphere. In addition, bring your partner actually a liaison experience as you work towards a shared goal, adds to Mark. And icing on the cake? Looking at perspiration power through a sweat session will probably strengthen your own confidence and will help you see you in a new light (sexy, sweat), she says.

Do not jump directly into sex

The preliminaries warm up the body for sex, so skip it can make the penetration painful, especially for women. If it becomes a trend, a woman can have an early anxiety on sex while she behaves for pain, says Thomas. In addition, if one of you feel an anxious sex and something else, it's hard to want to mood. Make sure you are both in the right head space before becoming Frisky, suggests Wyatt Fisher, Psyd, amarriage counselor in Colorado. "It can be helpful to relax with your partner to relax and relax slowly in your sexual meeting," he says. He recommends taking a bath together or give himself a massage.

Treat any physical pain

If sex is painful, it is natural to fear intimacy. Focus on the preliminaries is a start, but try to add a lubrication to reduce the frictions too, says Thomas. A woman-on-top position can also help the pain partner to control the pace and adjust if there is a pain. "When there is sexual pain, [women] does not associate their vaginas with pain," she says, "We tell them to associate it with pleasure." In this case, having solo sex can help remind a feminine associate from the sensation-good part of love and reduce the anxiety of penetration. If the pain continues, create an Ob-Gyn appointment to exclude underlying medical problems.

Pay attention to everyone's needs

Sex is both physical and emotional, and it is common for couples to have different definitions of what it should look like. A partner could be focused on physical gratification, while the other focuses on emotional intimacy. "Both are valid and both should be cultivated," says Fisher. "Couples should explore how to improve physical and emotional proximity during sexual intimacy so that both can feel satisfied." Your biggest fantasies might not make you mesh perfectly with your spouse, and that's correct, as long as each of you is willing to meet the needs of the other, sex can be a fulfilling experience for you. Two.

Think about couples therapy

Do not let the word therapy scare you. "People think that couples counples are for the last step and you are on the point of a break," says Mart. "I do not believe at all. Counseling couples can be a very positive experience in which you build your strength." Having a third neutral person guiding conversation can help pin what everyone wants to get out of the relationship. Even if you think what basic problems lead the distance between you, there could be more in history, adds Marter. A counselor can help you go to the roots of the problem and find solutions to work.

Plan to plan privacy

Putting sex on the calendar does not seem particularly torrid, but spontaneity is not always an option. Sometimes sex simply stops because your routine is thrown away. Maybe you had a baby or started a new job with irregular hours. It is normal to put sex on waiting during these tumultuous periods, but it could be a problem if you have settled in your normal new and that the spark is still not back, says Thomas. When your schedules take a big tower, you may not be able to have sex when you are used to, you will have to sculpt a different time to make you go wrong - let's say, during your lunch break or just before working. "The planning of a matter of privacy should not be penetrated," says Thomas. "It can be lying listening to music with your arms from each other or to show me together."

Practice the assessment of the body

Like you and your spouse would grow together, you will probably see some changes in your body. If your own self-love begins to suffer, you may not feel more sexy with your partner. "We must refuse the volume of our interior criticism and talk to us with love and kindly," said Marter. "You would never say to someone else," You are big, you're disgusted, you're unattractive. "" And that includescriticize your partner like that. Emphasize the weight gain of your partner will bring their confidence. Instead, tell your spouse what you like about them, suggests bitter. No matter how long you have been together, these small affirmations can go very far.

Realize that children do not want to say the end of your sex life

Your children could be your greatest joy, but a new baby can also put pressure on your wedding. AStudy of nearly 700 couples I found that the satisfaction of the relationship takes a dip after the children enter the image, whatever the working hours of the couple or the housework. New parents lose not only sleep and stress on finance and baby care, but breastfeeding can have a direct impact on desire, says Mart. "Instead of the chest being an erotic part of the body, [mothers] feels suddenly like a cow trafficking," she says. "They do not feel sexy or attractive." Who can also resonate with fathers, if they start to see their wife asnursery rather than sexual. Nevertheless, it does not mean that you are sentenced to a sexless marriage. Keep the cradle of your baby from your room of your choice so that you and your spouse have once once once to feel like lovers, not just parents - like you rediscover what passion looks like children in the photo .