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Nourished, supports and empathetic - these are just a few features you might think when you imagine ideal parent . If that does not seem familiar, you are not alone - many people have toxic parents. Actually, One in four adults will break the communication with a parent at a given moment in their lives.

"A toxic parent presents a model of behavior which causes guilt, fear and anxiety because of their tendency to put their needs above their children," said Jenny Flora Wells , a associated clinical social worker and holistic therapist . "This creates a very dysfunctional family dynamic which can affect their children through the lifespan."

Here are some examples of toxic behavior typical among parents - plus some advice approved by experts on how to cope.

In relation: 5 red flags your parent is a narcissist, according to the therapists .

What is a toxic parent?

First, it is important to note that "toxic" is not a term or a clinical diagnosis. It's just a catch-all term to describe certain problematic behaviors. Although this can certainly include more obvious damage such as physical or sexual abuses, toxic parenting can also lead to more subtle harmful behavior which can be more difficult to recognize.

"When I hear this term, I think of parents who do not have the capacity or the desire to engage in self-observation and self-reflection, leading to an inability to assume responsibility for their behavior" , said Christina McWalter Granahan , an approved clinical social worker and Informed therapist of Enneagramme .

According to Bonnie Scott , approved professional advisor and founder of Conscious kindness counseling , a toxic parent continuously arouses chaos in cleaning or family. "They are often unpredictable and controlling," she adds.

Experts agree that the easiest way to recognize toxic parenting is to see how they get their needs from their children. If they use guilt, fear, obligation or other manipulation tactics, it is a solid sign that their behavior is toxic.

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What effects do toxic parents have on children?

Having a toxic mother or a toxic father can certainly have an impact on the emotional and mental health of a child from a young age.

"Having a parent who has toxic features during your childhood can be dysregulating and traumatic for a child who is a sponge, soaking in the world around them," explains Wells.

Treating with the moods and the unpredictable behavior of a parent can deregulate the nervous system of a child, putting him in a state of constant combat or flight.

"This state of the nervous system is promulgated by the body to keep us safe; however, being in a state of constant survival weighs on physical and mental health," adds Wells. "Stress, anxiety, depression and other mental health problems can occur due to these changes in the nervous system."

In addition, Granahan notes that a toxic parent is often not able to hold a space for the wide range of emotions of a child, including sadness, disappointment or anger.

"This teaches a child that only certain emotions are acceptable and that his personality will develop around this experience," she explains.

In addition, as their parents' behavior is all they have known throughout their lives, the child does not have a frame of reference for a healthy family dynamic. As a result, Scott says they can grow up thinking that their parents' communication style is completely normal.

"The effect of growing up in this way is that children do not learn to trust their instinct, and they are generally really uncertain of their own identity," she explains.

Experts are also suitable that the behavior of toxic parents can be wreaking havoc on the child's self -esteem.

In relation: 4 signs that your parent enlightens you, the therapist says .

How do toxic parents affect adulthood?

Whether you have a toxic mother or a toxic father, experts say that their behavior can have a lasting impact on your emotional and mental health. Even if you no longer live with your parents or you do not see them very often, the effects of their toxic parenting can always be obvious in your daily life.

Especially if you had a parent who has constantly criticized you, Scott says you could become a perfectionist. It stems from the conviction that your security depends on doing something "just" - a fear that you will develop during childhood.

"Toxic parenting can also lead to flat behaviors", note Jackie Golob , A Approved professional clinical advisor and sex. "Having a critical parent who is toxic can negatively affect self -esteem.

According to Scott, adult children of toxic parents may even have trouble connecting authentically in relationships because they repress their real feelings and have trouble expressing their needs. They may also have trouble navigating conflicts, because it was not modeled for them in a healthy way.

If a child of a toxic parent chose to start a family, there could be an "effect to fall" where his trauma is "transmitted" to his own children. An example of intergenerational trauma is whether the adult child of a toxic parent has perfectionist trends, which are then modeled - and adopted by - their children.

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5 toxic parent lines

1. They dodge responsibility.

A common trait that you might see in a toxic parent - or any toxic person, moreover - is a lack of responsibility. They almost never apologize, even when something is their fault, says Sean Abraham , a clinical social worker approved at Develop therapy .

Taking responsibility for their behavior would mean having a certain degree of self -awareness, which Granahan says that many toxic people do not have.

Not only could they have trouble saying "sorry", but they could even blame you on you.

2. They have no borders and lack respect for yours.

Wells says that a toxic parent generally has bad borders himself and will therefore have immense difficulties in recognizing and respecting yours. Since the limits are what dictates the type of behavior you tolerate and not tolerate, toxic parents can reject and trample them downright on them.

3. They use manipulation to get what they want or need.

A parent with healthy communication habits will directly require what he wants or needs you. But toxic people use tactics such as gas lighting, guilt , And the silent treatment to meet their needs and desires, explains Abraham. They are all forms of emotional violence.

For example, if you are too busy to stop for a visit when they ask, they can "punish you" by saying "Wow I haven't seen you for weeks, you really can't book 10 minutes to see Your mother? "Or do you ice cream and ignore your SMS and calls for days.

4. They are self -centered.

A toxic parent has the gift of doing absolutely everything about them, explains Grenahan. For example, if you share that you feel particularly exhausted this week, they told you: "Well, at least you did not have to work late three nights in a row, as I did!" Or, if you tell them about an increase you have at work, they will send the conversation to their own professional achievements.

According to Granahan, this egocentrism can be rooted in their own childhood experiences. If their needs were not encountered while growing up, they could have learned to overlete by becoming more self-involved.

5. They "parentle" their children.

"Toxic parents often leave their children to assume the role of the mother or family authority," said Granahan.

Parentification may appear in different ways, to expect the child to prepare lunches for his younger brothers and sisters to rely on their child for an inappropriate level of emotional support.

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How to deal with a toxic parent

Here are some expert advice to deal with toxic parents and toxic people in general.

Set limits.

The limit frame may initially seem uncomfortable, but the experts insist that this is necessary in a toxic relationship.

Wells suggests using this script: "I feel [emotion] when you [unwanted action]. I need you for [alternative action.]"

If this does not work, you can try a firmer approach with consequences: "If you [unwanted action], I [repercussions]." For example, it might look like: "If you put your voice on me on the phone, I will hang up."

"All the limits are better when they are small enough to be measurable and with a consequence that you are ready to follow," says Scott.

Therefore, if you are not ready to go without contact, do not use this accordingly. This will simply appear as an empty threat, which will then encourage your parents to continually ignore your limits in the future because it does not perceive any real consequences.

Limit contact.

It is normal to put a delay on your calls and your visits with a toxic parent. In fact, therapists say it is an excellent tactic to minimize any mental or emotional distress of your interactions.

Scott recommends sandwich plans with your parents between other obligations. In this way, you can politely know that you only have one time designated and that you have an integrated cutting time to leave if things become uncomfortable, stressful or overwhelming.

Do not eat the drama.

You might consider sticking to a small conversation when treating with a toxic parent. Keep in mind that it is completely normal to expect advice, validation or support of parents, but they may not be able to give it to you. The search for something they are not able to offer will probably be that you are causing injury - so if you can, try to meet these emotional needs by other people in your support system.

"Keep superficial conversations to avoid entering sensitive subjects that trigger dramatic behaviors," explains Abraham. "And try to stay calm, no matter what emotional explosions they have in front of you."

Put breaks if necessary.

If your toxic parent continues to push your limits, your mental health falls or you have trouble following personal care, your work or other lifestyle because of their behavior, the experts say that it is totally ok to move away from the relationship.

"Always know that you can choose to move away when you need space and create a temporary border," explains Wells. "Whether it means walking in another room or taking a few days - or even weeks or months - to speak to your parents."

If you decide to take a break, Granahan suggests defining an expectation for how long it will last by saying something like: "I love you, but being in contact with you is really difficult at the moment. I'm going to take time Of the relationship and will not answer your calls for a week.

Talk to a professional.

Overall, experts agree that talking about an approved mental advisor can be invaluable when navigating a relationship with a toxic parent. According to Granahan, a therapist can offer an essential objective point of view on the behavior of your parents - which is particularly crucial if you have experienced gas lighting and question your experiences or emotional reactions to these experiences.

A therapist can also coach you by establishing healthy limits if it is a challenge for you, helping you unpack the way in which your parents' behavior is currently affecting you and providing support when you heal traumatized childhood experiences.

In relation: 9 red flags you are linked to a narcissist, say the therapists .

How to manage when it is coparental with a toxic parent

If your ex is a toxic parent and will stay in your child's life, there are certain steps that you will want to take not only to protect your own well-being but also that of your child.

Establish clear guidelines for visits.

The limits are just as important during co -parenting with a toxic person.

"Communicate clearly with your coparentary that you will not tolerate specific behaviors, and if they are exposed, you will create space from them," recommends Wells.

It is also useful to be firm on time exactly the time the child will spend with his other parent, what activities are authorized, and when and where the deposit and collection will occur. A toxic coparer could try to push the limits and seek a room for maneuver, but it is important to set clear expectations without getting lost - which could strengthen their border terminal.

As far as possible, you may want to obtain these provisions in writing so that you can continue the application before the courts if necessary.

Do not badout your coparer.

As tempting as it may be to let off steam that the other parents of the child behave, Scott always advises to refrain from doing so in their presence. If you need someone to talk about it, call a trusted friend or plan to see a therapist. The only chance that your child has to develop a healthy relationship with his other parents is that his perception is not colored by your own negative experiences.

Find an intermediary.

Communication with a toxic coparer can be extremely difficult. This is why Golob suggests working with a therapist or a coach if both parties are open. This will provide you with a neutral space to chop borders and directives, and a impartial professional may be able to act as a mediator to help prevent these conversations from intensifying.

In relation: 10 signs that someone is emotionally unavailable, say the therapists .

Conclusion

If your mother or father presents manipulative and self -centered behavior, rarely assumes responsibility for her actions and lack of borders or tranities.

There is no doubt that a toxic parent can have a series of negative effects on your mental, physical and emotional health - not only during childhood but in adulthood.

That said, there is hope. Do not forget: you decide when, where and how often you communicate with your parent. Protecting your own well-being is always the absolute priority, even if it means limiting your contact or taking occasional breaks if necessary.

And whatever you do, do not try to sail this delicate relationship alone. Working with a therapist, or even relying on friends and other family members, can serve as an important reminder that healthy, respectful and mutually fulfilling relationships should look like.