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I never thought of myself as the kind of person who could be in an open relationship.

The way I love has always been passionate and taking it to myself to someone entirely, and I'm waiting for the same thing. When I'm in someone, I can not even bear to consider sleeping with someone else and finding my partner feels only the same thing has been horrible in the past.

The men I dated were notcheaterbut they liked flirting with other women, which means that much of my romantic story has been filled with frantically scrolling through text messages at 3 o'clock in the morning by finding one in which they called another "Beautiful" woman was running my heart in my stomach and watching them flirt with someone better than me made me feel like an old potato bag. It was never enough for me to be beautiful and loved. I had to be themore beautiful and themorelove. I had to be the only one.

So when Sam-a man I bind my friendship more than a year ago - told me flat that he was in aopen marriage And would like to have an "business" with me, I laughed and went back.

I was certainly attracted to Sam, but I knew I could not bear to share someone's husband. Nevertheless, we have lived near each other. So we started meeting me on park benches and having long conversations on the complexity ofLove and marriage. As my interest in grew up, my intrigue was proposed in the arrangement he had proposed.

I started reading a book calledFalseby cultural anthropologistWednesday Martin which challenges the long conviction that we are all monogamous by nature. Martin argues that, unlike popular opinion, women often getbored monogamy even faster than men.

I found myself fascinated with the idea thatnon-monogamy could free up rather than the destruction of the soul. When I considered how I felt when I felt jealous, I realized that many of them were flowing from insecurity rather than love. If I had not taken the boyfriend's flirting anything about me or our relationship, there would have been nothing to bejealous In regards to.

I decided to have a conversation with one of my friends who had beenpolyamor For many years, something I had trouble understanding. "If you want all the security of a relationship and the pleasure of sleeping with anyone that you want, it seems that you were trying to have your cake and eat it too," I said to him. "You can not just do what you want without taking into account how it will hurt the person you love."

"The goal is not to do what you want," he said. "With my ex-girlfriend, I did not even sleep with other women because I did not have time, but she did it and I did agree with that. Because the goal is to have an unconditional love, to arrive at a place where you like someone so disinterested that your reaction is with someone else is to be happy for them, as opposed to jealous. "

"It's interesting," I thought. I had never considered the idea that being polyamour could be yourselflessas opposed to saltfish.

A night shortly after that, my dog's stomach was upset and he woke me four times in the middle of the beggar night to go out. Then I was surprised to realize that I had not been angry at all against him to get me out in the middle of the polar vortex - all I worried about what it was good. "Huh," I thought, "I do not know if I've already known a love like that before. I can not think of a single case in which I put the needs of someone else above mine."

I wondered if that, in a strange way, was the kind of disinterested love that my friend was talking about. And I wondered if I could translate that to my other reading: Human Relations. Can I give as much as I do without asking that the other person has exactly the same thing in return? Can I consider someone else's feelings without doing them immediately? Can I love someone just to love them?

A few weeks later, I went back to Sam and I told him that I was ready to give him a single condition: "I want the authorization of your wife and I want to hear her from her," I said . "Ok," he replied breeze.

He immediately took me to his apartment. When his wife answered the door, he introduced me as "the woman he told him to talk to him." She offered me somewine. We sat down and talked about politics for a moment, but when she and I were alone together, I had to ask her: "How are you doing with that?"

"Honey," she replied, smiling and taking another sip of wine ", when you're married for 30 years, you will understand." For her,commitmentFrom Sam was not about not sleeping with other people - no more. It was a good father to their children, returning home when he said he would be and do not forget to pick up milk on the way - all he was apparently very good.

When I got up to leave, Sam told him he was going to walk at home. "No, no, you do not need to do that - it's only a few blocks," sprayed, panicking, panicking that it would disturb him despite what she said earlier. She put her hand on my shoulder and looked at me directly in her eyes. "Let him walk at home," she says. Then she looked at him and said, "And do not rush me."

Since that night, I have decided to be on Sam's wife team. I was not going to treat it as competition. I was not going to try to get away from her in any way. I was going to give control and take into account his feelings too.

Sam and I have been seen for a few months now and, until now, it's thethe most upstream relationship I already went. He's kind, generous, reliable and attentive - and he encourages me to see other men because we both know that marriage is not in cards for us and he does not want to waste my time . "

I am always surprised by the way I feel good to have to cancel plans, because something came with his daughter, or by the fact that he can not stay finished because he needs to return to The house for bedtime. I respect that his priority is his family, and that does not feel that it diminishes how it feels me in any way.

One night, Sam came to finish late and started complaining aboutWHAT NAG His wife was and what relief was to see me. I pushed it immediately. "I'm not the person you're going to complain about your wife," I said. "I'm not interested in comparing me to her. If you and I had been married for three decades, I'm sure we're bothering too. She lets you sleep with someone else and you should be grateful for this."

I could not believe the words that came out of my mouth, but I made a decision on how I was going to handle this arrangement and I felt proud to stick to it. Because, for me, being in a relationship does not consist of finding the person "right"; It's about being the person I want to be in this relationship.

Sam's wife said that our "liaison" had a positive impact on their marriage. Apparently, he is still in a good mood and she feels appreciated in a way she did not have before. According to her, your husband can beloyal And you can feel invisible and it can be unfaithful and you can feel seen.

I can not promise what the future will be held for me and Sam. Maybe all the time will fall or will become ugly. But in the moment, I feel like one of the reasons why it works is because it is open in every sense of the word. Everyone is reasonably initiated and honest about how they feel; it's cheating, yes, but it's notdeception.

When I speak to my friends whose weddings fell into pieces because of the business, they always say, "It's not cheating that bothers me, it's the lie." The thing they tend to repeat again and again, it's: "I really did not think he was the kind of person who would do that." Sex is really not the problem; What haunts them is the feeling that the person they were in love was essentially an illusion.

I always believe that I would be absolutely furious if I got to someone who had not revealed that they were in another relationship - or even worse, married. But it would not be because of sex; It would be because of deception.

Friends who know that my current situation often ask me if I'm worried that I can end up "more". Frankly, I do not think I'll do it, because one of the things I have done on myself is that I am in relationships for intensity, not longevity, so I'm perfectly satisfied to know that It's a transitional affair.

People are also curious to know if I think I think I'm in an open relationship is "the way forward". And they are shocked to hear that in my opinion, this is not the case. Polyamory andmonogamy They both have their for and against. I just think that any type of relationship can work, as long as you are honest with yourself and others about who you really are.

And for more first person relationship tales, checkMy spouse has cheated. Here's why I did not leave.

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