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As my husband Michael and I are engaged, we have had two children, a shared health home and a common bank account. And when we got married, three more years had passed. But given the way unconventional things have always been between us, perhaps it was inevitable that ourroad to Matrimonie I would also be unorthodox and eccentric, testing the limits of space and time and patience all around us.

Michael and I met a bar where I drank with aold boyfriend, and he looked for the permission of my ex to ask me. The first days of our relationship were kinetic and umbilical: myself at his apartment or at the cabin at the edge of the water, I rented, laughing and talking, impromptu meals with slap, our bodies tangled together.

Less than four months later,We became pregnant-The first of our friends to have children, including married couples. Then I became dedicatedMother at home, the only one among our double income peers.

When Michael posed for the first time at my point of view of marriage after two girls and two years of being together, I solemnly called it "the death of any possibility."

Healthy marriages They were hardly what Michael and I saw growing up: he was a child of divorce, and my mother and my mother and my mother had spent decades in a fragile and contemptuous union. And though this has translated to Michael before cyclist through a new relationship every six months, I caught up with three previous fiancés - adorable men to whom I had totally unable to promise "always after".

After my initial description of the wedding, I was expecting Michael to respond with serious gravity that the answer commanded. But instead, he mocked boldly of me, then said, "Marriage is what we want it to be. Heis Possibility. "How can Inot Marrie-Le?

Six months later, I told Michael I wanted aengagement ring For my 40th birthday, which seemed mad considering that we were doing a lot more than playing at home. But the stakes felt above now: we had children, assets, a shared family. And if something happened to one of us and the other was not allowed to make medical decisions? Worse if the marriage was really the source of the possibility that Michael claims, the future we had denied ourselves?

Hisproposal Was darling for us-traditional: surrounded by families, close friends and our curious girls. There was a bent knee, a strip of diamonds without conflict, a "yes" and a series of applause. It was a charming head of convention, the first and last on our long trip to the proverbial driveway.

Soon, a date and a wave location have been defined: the following October, Seattle, under blue skies and flamboyant leaves. We considered the bathroom converted to a nearby beach, a popular place with a floor view on the sunset ceiling of Puget Sound. It was perfect - so perfect that it was booked a year in advance. The other two sites were seriously taken into account.

Disprove ourmarriage date quickly became a necessity. Reluctantly, we jointly agreed to let our circle know; For the most part, the news has been welcomed with a shrug. "You two are late for everything," said a friend. "Of course, your wedding would be late too."

Despite the delay, the search never stopped: every few months, we were visiting another place, our little girls in trailer. The magazines of the bride were half blocked and left left of the coffee table. I would participate in a toilet shop, without my mother and finger dresses in a spectrum of whites, but never try something else. I could not blame my mother so as not to come aside the fact that she was not the shopping-with-girl, I could not even give her a final wedding date.

In addition, the costs of a small wedding of small ISH composed whenever we tried to take a planning traction: restoration and alcohol, rentals and music, flowers and table settings , invitations and party favors, all on the costs of place from Tens of thousands of dollars. We calculated the variables - always a staggering number that would have been better spent on a family party or a larger home. The financing of an appropriate marriage, even a marriage we wanted so badly, would constitute a major investment in one day of our lives, a direct opposition to our point of view on money and value.

In addition to these factors, our family and our friends have been scattered around the world. Chances were decidedly thin to gather all our most expensive in our corner of the world the same day. And, as many couples, Michael and I should also take into account "problematic" relations, that is to say members of the toxic or unstable family that would only make our wedding a showcase for their most troubling behavior. Needless to say, the seating table has become an intimidating and debilitating task.

We consulted with good friends about their own weddings, intimate affairs to sumptuous but-raucous-good moments in the middle. "It's a lot of work, a lot of money and a lot of worry about a million details to make sure everyone is happy," said a friend. In other words, it was not the sacredness of their wishes, but to throw the perfect party.

One afternoon, we visited a beautiful place - a carvio garden overlooking the sound of Puget. It was sophisticated, lined clean and modern, with a menu of the farm at the table. It was precisely us. It was $ 25,000 for the place alone.

At this point, it was three years that our commitment - three years devoted to the weighing of emotional and literal costs to set up a marriage that spoke to our coupling and values. Yet there was no closer to the marriage only when we started.

That night, on a romantic Italian dinner, Michael and I talked about our inability to plan the thing we most wanted. "Every time we are approaching the major planning decision, you remove, then we do not follow," he said. "And if you want to be married, you do not want to have anytraditional wedding? "

His statement illuminated all these dark years of indecision and stalking. We wanted all the pitfalls of a marriage, but without concern toThings are hurting in a big eventOur day rather spent contemplating the commitment we were about to do. All we wanted, it was a nice ceremony in a breathtaking place - a suitable wedding for anyone, but we.

After years without progression, I had our destination reserved in days: place, photographer, flowers, cakes, officiating, hair and makeup, two close friends to serve as cookies and guardian for girls. A sewing seamstress was at workCreate my dress; Passports have been renewed and measures have been taken for a foreign marriage license. The final cost would be a simple fraction of our preliminary wedding options.

Just three months after this fateful dinner, Michael and I were married on a British Columbia of British Columbia, the sun shone on Juan de Fuca's Cobalt Strait, our daughters of Fleur-Girl Naked and rifs. The pulsed day of love, peace and return to unemployment. At each way, it was exactly the marriage we really wanted.

That night we brought phone calls to friends and family who were not there. Above all, they were deeply sorry to have missed it, but also a totally understanding of our decision and envisaged for us. (The minimum reaction came, unsurprisingly, of these rare that we worried the most worried about the invitation.) There was also the subsequent Facebook ad linked toThe Michael Development website designed, with photos of our ceremony, an explanation and details for the curious.

The years that had led us to make the commitment to the postponement of "I do" had been an unexpected blessing. At that time, Michael and I managed to meticulously shape our sharedValues ​​around the wedding, milestones and money. We also determined the limits of our union compared to the expectations and desires of others.

Seven years later, nothing on our wedding, I would not change anything: not our extremely prolonged calendar nor our eloping at the end of the hour, and certainly not our wishes that have been sworn on a wildlife, romantic, preserved and sacred as our commitment. And for more things about how to maintain a healthy relationship as this one, check these40 fascinating wedding tips for people who have been married for 40 years.

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