Good Lifestyle

At the very beginning of a divorce, most men are flooded in flooded by their own emotions and flooded by the cross-arcons of advice they get very significant but ignorant friends who advise to fight. They are also flooded with disturbing images: being financially erased, losing contact with their children and humiliate their wives. As a result, men tend to return to their instinct and assuming that the best defense is a good offense. In divorce, however, all you do by instinct is wrong.

The process does not necessarily have to be a vicious struggle, but you must shape your behavior in the present with an eye on the future. You are trying to create a new life in which you have a cooperative relationship with your ex-particularly around children's issues. One of the keys to success is to develop an effective way to deal with your wife.

You already know how to do that. You will contact your wife as you would a colleague. You will be cordial and respectful. You will not present intense emotions. In turn, you do not expect intimate communication. If you observe these rules, you will be able to preserve any good will and residual affection between you two. Only when you deposit yourself in personal attacks that you destroy, whatever the good will.

Over the last 25 years, I have mediated divorces of thousands of couples, and every year becomes more convinced that the contradictory divorce dominated by the typical lawyer (and all the misery that goes with it) is useless and preventable. If you can enter some principles, you can not recruit your wife to collaborate in negotiating a reasonable and surviving divorce for all family members.

Although the emotional and legal processes of divorce can take a year or two, the decisions you make at the beginning shape the nature and tone of all divorce. Act as an angry, vindictive and vengeful victim, and you guarantee an angry, vindictive and revenge divorce that will spoil your life. Act as a reasonably calm adult trying to navigate in a passage of difficult life and you can probably do it well. You have the choice. You can act on your immediate feelings of fear, anger, betrayal and loss. If you do, you bore your divorce. The best choice is to manage your feelings and act on your interests.

Want an incentive? Eighty percent of men remaining within 2 years. That this new relationship succeeds or not depends on the big part to know if your divorce leaves you intact or messy. An ex-unleashed woman poisoning your children against your new wife will transform this new marriage into a nightmare. You can not afford to indulge your anger.

Very few divorces begin when two married people wake up one morning, look at each other and simultaneously announce that it's time to end marriage. In most cases, one of the spouses reaches his pain threshold before the other and decides that divorce is the only exit. We call this person the initiator.

The other spouse can agree with the initiator and may have been about to call it as well. Or the other spouse can be completely blind by the announcement. The non-significant spouse is often a serious psychological disadvantage. The initiator has had a lot of time, often years, to ruminate divorce and deal with its implications. The initiator knows that divorce requires difficult changes, but accepts them because they are compensated by significant gains, such as the end of a painful relationship and the opportunity to try again with someone again.

But for the non -siator, who did not have time to accept the new situation, divorce is only a loss. The distinction between initiator and non -itiator is essential because the initiator behaves towards the non-Siator at the beginning of the divorce often determines the result. If the non-quit is given the time to settle and understand things before being under pressure to make many important decisions, the prospects are good. But the pressure before it is ready, she will seek at the rescue of a lawyer. It's at this moment that you start losing control.

The interesting thing is that the majority of divorces today are initiated by women. There is a chance of 60 to 70% that you are the rejected party, and you are the one who is in the greatest danger of causing an angry divorce.

Assuming that you are this rare guy who is the initiator, you must tell your wife that you want a divorce with all the sweetness you used if you say to someone a loved one is dead. Choose a time when you are alone alone and unlikely to be interrupted. You are about to break bad news that will be, in all probabilities, evoke high emotions. Determine in advance that you will not use a strong language or angry tone, regardless of its reaction.

1. Use declarations "I". You report the state of your own feelings and do not characterize his. Try something like: "I have hard news to share with you. I have reached the conclusion that you and I need to divorce." Now, be ready for an answer and listen when she talks to you. His answer can be something about denial urgent.
2. Do not blame it for your decision.
3. Be clear that it's over.
4. Do not discuss proposals on the details of the divorce.
5. Do not represent if it attacks or did not criticize you.
6. Reassure it that you want to work with it to reach equity and the best arrangement for all of you.
7. Tell him that he is not in a hurry to solve everything and that you will wait until it is ready.
8. Suggest or agree to divorce the Council.

How do you react when your wife tells you that she wants to divorce will depend on whether you are surprised or not Few men are truly surprised because at a certain level, they knew that marriage was at least tense and probably in difficulty. You may not be aware of the extent to which your wife has moved away emotionally. If you are truly shocked, you will need more time to come with the news. Angry, the vindictive blame will not do anything other than the dispute. Maintain your dignity and ask ...

1. Let your wife give you the time of a reasonable a few months to absorb the news and the consequences of divorce before having to act.
2. It does not support you to negotiate or make significant decisions about divorce until you have had time to think about it.
3. It would allow a reasonable period of time before telling others, with the exception of the few confidants in which it probably entrusted anyway. You do not need other people who are asking for divorce until you are ready to talk about it.
4. It does not discuss divorce with children until you can do it together and at the right time.
5. It maintains an atmosphere of cordiality and respect in the house until you separate.
6. It goes with you for several sessions with a divorce counselor to handle the feelings you both live.
7. That you are ready, you will seek a good mediator to help you negotiate the divorce settlement so you do not lose yourself in litigation.

Although men more often become the main residential parents than before years ago, the number is still small enough - about 10% - and these are usually men with older children. Despite sexual equality, most wives end up providing children's primary households, children spending alternative weekends and one or two nights during the week with their fathers. This means that in the majority of divorces with children, the man evolves one day after the divorce decision. Even when the Maison Matrimonie must be sold, it's usually the man who moves first while the couple awaits a buyer for the house. The question is whether you move sooner or later.

I think it's better going soon. Living in the same house with a dead wedding is toxic to everyone, especially children. You make your children without favor by hanging in your place in the house against a reality that you must move. None of you can start cure until you are separated. It is an investment in the mental health of the whole family.

Unfortunately, lawyers and well-meaningful, but ignorant lovers generally advise men to stay in the House. Many argue that the husband will be exposed to accusations of abandonment if he leaves. But a simple letter of your wife who indicates that you move by mutual consent eliminates this question.

A second fear is that, by moving in one way or another, you perfect your property rights in the House. This is also wrong. If you and your wife have the house together, you will continue to maintain your property interest after you leave and the settlement will solve when and how you get your equity at home.

Many lawyers also advise customers not to move because they fear that it will weaken their negotiation position. Because is an irritant for the woman, the discomfort caused very to the woman supplies so-called an incentive for her to make other concessions just to get it out continuous presence in the house of the husband. There may be some truth about this strategy, but the damage that is done in the meantime is not worth it. Once it is clear that you are going to move, move as soon as you can arrange.

You can get the cooperation of your wife saying that you want to move, but that you need her help: "I think it would be a good idea for me to pass, and I know you think it too, but I I'm worried. Two things, and I need your help to solve problems. As soon as we start having a hold on these, I will propose. First, I'm worried about how I'm going to have enough time with children if I move, and I need to be reassured from you. Second, I do not know where the money will come to pay for that, and I need your help to find out how we will pay for households ".

If you have done your part in maintaining civility, you and your wife should be able to agree on a short-term strategy for money management. In most middle-class families, divorce is a financial crisis because you are trying to make a transition to two income households that has so far supported only one.

Many middle-class couples live 105 percent of their net income in a home and now has to support a 30 percent increase in total expenditures for two houses. Over time, both you will need to make difficult strategic decisions that can lead to career changes, the sale of the house, and reducing expenses. This will be the most demanding task of your settlement discussions and can not be taken at first, when fear is high and feelings are raw. So, that you need is a temporary plan that quickly gets and separated you who you both agree is not permanent. It may seem intimidating, but with a little cooperation is possible.

Modern couples, especially couples with two careers, can not succeed in divorce unless they share the responsibility of their children. What you want to avoid here is the sterile debate on what to call your custody agreement. It does not matter. From a mental health point of view, the only things that are really important that you both maintain strong relationships with children and that you cooperate as parents. Accomplish that your children are going well.

Like most couples, you and your wife will have children the replacement weekend. I suggest that your weekend visits with your children run from Friday evening to Monday morning. Then, if you also have at least one night of the children during the week, you will have a lot of time with the children. I invite you to avoid abstract struggles on "equality". Chances are your parental agreement into divorce resembles the arrangement you had during marriage. If you have had equal roles during the wedding, you will have an equal role in the divorce. And if you had a more traditional arrangement, where your wife was the main guardian, it will probably continue.

On money issues and child-related issues, your mediator can be extremely helpful, and I encourage you to prevail from this service at the beginning of the process. It is unlikely that you and your wife can work these questions without help.

In general, the more the contact you have with the judicial system, the worst of your divorce will be revealed. In the early stages of divorce, nor any anything you must file in court. Consult the lawyers, but do not let them talk to you in a divorce request. This is something you will do after negotiating your payment. A good divorce is only possible if you and your stay of woman in control.

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