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If you know a little about psychology, you probably understand how integrated your childhood is Your relations In life later. A component of this is your style of attachment, which the researchers examined for the first time in an experience of 1969 called the Strange situation led by the psychologist Mary Ainsworth , Phd. The theory of attachment of Ainsworth suggests that our caregivers in early childhood directly affect our personalities and our connections, including romantic caregivers - which means that you want to understand how to go out with each attachment style that you meet.

"The styles of attachment are formed at the beginning of our life and play an important role in the way we connect (or attach) to others throughout our life," said Beth Ribarksy , PHD, Interpersonal communication teacher and director of the School of Communication and Media at the University of Illinois Springfield. "Most researchers argue that attachment styles are generally dictated at the age of one year, and for most people, the same style of attachment persists throughout their lives."

Read the rest to find out which attachment styles you and your partner can have, and what it means for your relationship.

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What are the different attachment styles?

Secure

This attachment style is precisely appointed because it applies to security people in their relationships.

"Individuals with a style of secure attachment tend to be" rocks "in a relationship. They are generally aware of self, emotionally available, confident in their relational and anchored capacities, in addition to having a high emotional intelligence" , explain clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly , PHD, author of The joy of imperfect love . "The secure person can be vulnerable and intimately connected."

Ribarsky notes that these people also tend to have a positive vision of themselves and others and are comfortable for themselves or with others.

Key features of secure attachment

• Emotionally available
• Honest
• Compassionate
• Reliable

Avoiding

Also called disdainful, this style is defined by the difficulty in attaching to others. According to Ribarsky, people with this attachment style tend to keep people with the arms.

"They never want to depend on others, often do not seek social support or validation, and may often seem distant in all their relationships because they ultimately do not believe that they need anyone full," said Ribarsky.

She notes that the avoiding attachment can lead someone to withdraw from the relationship - especially if he thinks that someone is too close or depends - and he can really delete emotions to avoid a stronger attachment.

They also have a "strong self -esteem" and an independent sequence, says Manly. However, due to this "hyper-independence and solid defense mechanisms", it warns that it can be more difficult to connect to an intimate level.

Key features of the avoiding attachment

• Feeling of superiority
• Disconnected
• Independent
• Defensive

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Anxious

The style of anxious attachment, sometimes called concerned, is when someone is afraid or nervous to be left.

"This individual often has a negative self -vision and a positive vision of others," explains Ribarsky. In relationships, they are often perceived as "tights".

"They often have to reassure that the other person still cares and will continue to be there," she continues. "When something is wrong, they are quick to blame themselves and too thoughtful about the simplest things, thinking of the worst case."

This is particularly true if a situation or a routine deviates from what they are used to.

"For example, if their partner does not send him" good night "sms, as they usually do, in the brain [of the anxious partner], it is because their partner cheat or because they have somehow Made their partner crazy, "explains Ribarsky.

Key features of anxious attachment

• Fear of being rejected
• Low self-esteem
• Easily upset
• Jealous

Disorganized

The fourth and last style of attachment is disorganized, which is often also called anxious-avoidant or frightening. (It was not one of the three initial designations of Ainsworth, but was identified in subsequent research Posted in 1990 .)

"This individual often oscillates between feeling worried about their relationships and wanting to be safe by keeping people at a distance," shares Ribarsky. "They often have a negative self -vision and a negative vision of others."

This can lead to confusion in relationships, and as Manly points out, these people can be unpredictable and give you the impression that you "walk on egg shells".

"Individuals with this style of attachment often want a relationship but are unconsciously afraid of being close. Consequently, a dynamic of rope control prevents the relationship of being stable, safe and connected," she says. "Those who have a scary style often have low self -esteem and can sometimes have little respect for their partners."

Key features of disorganized attachment

• Fear of injuring oneself
• Inconsistency
• Signs of anxious and avoidant attachment styles
• Low self-esteem

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How do you date each attachment style?

Because attachment styles are so linked to relationships, they can directly affect the romantic variety. So, depending on the style with which you come out, keep in mind certain things.

Meet a partner with a secure attachment

People with secure attachment are likely to be the most adaptable in relationships.

"A person's dating with a secure attachment style tends to be quite easy," shares Manly. "Those of this group are often confident and emotionally intelligent, so the experience of meetings tends to be authentic and communicative. There is little - if no - game with an individual in complete safety."

However, keep in mind that you have to find a balance between taking care of them and letting them do their own thing.

"Do not be offended if they don't want you to join them at the gymnasium, but they will be happy to dine together thereafter," explains Ribarsky.

Dating from a partner with a avoiding attachment

Meeting a avoiding partner can be more difficult and can change depending on your own attachment style. According to Manly, there may be problems when a person safely is related to a avoiding partner. The partner in complete safety will probably have trouble with the level of disconnection.

Ribarsky notes that people with a avoiding attachment will want both physical and emotional space in a relationship.

"They will often want to go and do things for themselves, and although it may seem strange or even offensive for others, it's more time to focus on themselves," said Ribarsky.

You may want to limit the amount you hold your hand - and understand that they may not respond immediately or within a period to which you are used to. Lining with more messages is likely to repel them, warns Ribarsky.

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Dating a partner with anxious attachment

A partner with an anxious attachment will probably have to be reassured in a relationship, largely because of his fear of being abandoned, says Ribarsky.

"Coherence is the key to the anxious individual, so what may seem an insignificant routine to you can mean the world for them, like sending a hello SMS or kissing a good night," she said. "When they seem particularly anxious, say something like:" Hey, I'm here for you. I'm not going anywhere ", I can remind the anxious person that they are safe with the other person."

Keep in mind that these partners may seem "glued", but it is generally not in order to exercise control. Instead, it is this comfort factor.

Depending on your attachment style, you may need a different approach. When two anxious partners enter a relationship, it can work, but Manly notes that confidence problems and "emotional deregulation" can become roadblocks.

"In some cases, the connection may feel safe and strong if the partners do not trigger the deepest of the other," she shares. "In such cases, such as" safe "partners that partners can feel, untreated injuries often emerge silently and manifest themselves as anxiety and stress.

In this case, these two individuals can also work well together to develop attachment styles "strong, loving and mutually secure given their" I understand you, and you get me "Bond", says Manly.

However, an anxiously attached person and a person avoided is not likely to be well.

"The methods of self-insulation of the disdainful partner will constantly leave the partner anxiously attached to feeling unloved, dangerous and undesirable," warns Manly. "Of course, if the two people work on their internal problems, positive changes can occur, but it tends to be a difficult match!"

Dating from a partner with a disorganized attachment

Meeting a person with a disorganized attachment can be particularly difficult, says Ribarsky.

"But, it is important to remember that they do not choose to feel this-this is the way their brain is wired. In the end, patience is the key," she said. "There will be times when he feels like he is growing back, but know that it is because they feel dangerous and end up being reassured."

Manly also warns that it can be difficult if the two partners have disorganized / frightening attachment styles.

"Due to the often fuel and frightening nature of the frightening type, explosions can occur when two obvious types encounter a friction; this configuration will tend to worsen the injuries of both partners," she said.

Again, if you or your partner have this attachment style, the key is to work on yourself.

"When two obvious types are both engaged in self -work, the conscious attention of the interior injuries of each partner can be reasons of healing and intimate connection," explains Manly.

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How do attachment styles develop?

These attachment styles are formed during early childhood, with different links developing according to the way in which their caregivers (generally parents) tend to their needs. AE0FCC31AE342FD3A1346EBB1F342FCB

Secure: Those who have a secure attachment had their needs as infants and were convinced that their caregiver would meet their cries. They trusted their caregiver to also console them, and as they get older, they also trust others in relationships, notes Ribarsky.

Avoid: People with an avoiding attachment style had a caregiver who appeared "rarely" when they cried. This leads them to believe that crying does not get them what they need, so they develop their own adaptation skills and tend to have a positive sense of self and a negative sense of others. (In Ainsworth's experiences, these children left their mother's side to play alone, and they were not affected when their mother left or returned to the room.)

Anxious: At the other end of the spectrum, people with anxious attachment had incoherent caregivers, a parent sometimes responding to their cries and sometimes not. As a result, these people developed a fear of staying because they did not know if their caregiver would come back. According to Ribarsky, an avoidant attachment style is not unusual for divorce children or for parents suffering from drug addiction disorders.

Disorganized: People form a disorganized style of attachment when caregivers are incompatible with the way they react. As a child, they did not know if their caregiver would react chaotically in stressful situations, letting them feel " disorganized "And potentially dangerous in relationships. According to Ribarsky, this style sometimes develops due to trauma.

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Wrap

No matter the style of attachment you and your partner have, virile flags desire and the commitment to evolve as the key to any romantic link.

"A healthy relationship can be designed when the two partners are mutually invested in creating the positive changes necessary to win a secure attachment style," she notes.

However, if you have the impression that your partner's attachment style is negative or triggered for you, it may be useful to think about the reason why you feel this way.

"In some cases, your unresolved problems may be triggered and are ready to be healed," she said. "In other situations, you may resume that the relationship is not suitable due to unresolved attachment problems or other challenges."

Finally, keep in mind that people can have variations or combinations of attachment styles. As Manly points out, your partner's attachment style may not "fall well enough in one of the four styles".