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Maybe you spoken of them behind their back , had to cancel plans with them too many times, or found himself caught in a lie. No matter what you have done, you try to understand how to apologize to a friend. Because let's be real: these two little words alone - "I'm sorry" - usually will not cut it.

Before going to a spiral of shame, experts say that it is important to consider this situation as an avenue of personal and relational growth. Hounding someone does not mean that you are a bad person, and that certainly should not mean the end of your friendship - provided, of course, that you are ready to accept responsibility.

"I think most often, people leave friendships without trying to look and grow up conflict," said Courtnay Meletta , A Approved integrative psychotherapist and founder of Mindbody Consulting. "If a friend is turned upside down and you feel like you have done nothing wrong, then it is an opportunity for self-reflection and examination."

Good apologies can have a positive impact on trust, communication dynamics, emotional well-being and mental health. However, whether excuses are justified or not and determine how apologize can be difficult. Below, the experts share advice to offer specific, in-depth and sincere apologies that recognize the feelings of the other person and, ultimately, launches the repair process in your relationship.

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How do you know if you have to apologize?

If your friend did not ask for an apology or said he was angry with you, it may be a little more difficult to say whether authentic apology is justified or not. AE0FCC31AE342FD3A1346EBB1F342FCB

According to Authorized and family wedding therapist Suzette Bray , a revealing sign that you may need to an apology friend is that if you notice a change in their behavior towards you. For example, they can be more irritable or seem to withdraw from your relationship.

You must also trust your intestinal instincts, explains Bray. If you feel throes of guilt or regret after an interaction with them, it is a solid indicator that you may have to express remorse to your friend.

"It can often be useful to think about what it means to be a good friend or the qualities you associate with a good friend," adds Kristin M. Papa , A Approved clinical social worker And psychotherapist and founder of therapy and well-being of open hearts. "If you have acted in a way that is not aligned with these qualities, it can generally be useful to apologize."

If in doubt, Bray says you can ask your friend if he feels injured by everything you have done. Papa also advises you to put you in the place of your friend and to consider if you are upset.

Remember, it is not because you did not intend to hurt your friend that you should not say that you are sorry, underlines Authorized and family wedding therapist Rachel Goldberg .

"Even if you believe that you haven't done anything wrong, it is important to try to understand their point of view," she explains. "It is not always a question of knowing who is right or bad, but of recognizing the feelings of the other and of letting him know that you are committed to making amends."

In relation: 10 red flags your friend is a narcissist, say the therapists .

5 tips to apologize to someone you deeply hurt

1. Be specific.

Regarding the right excuses, the number one rule aims for specificity. Speaking in a vague language like "I am sorry for what happened" or "Sorry, I hurt you", not only feels disdaining, but your friend can ask you if you really know what you did any harm.

For example, let's say that you accidentally bail out a friend. In this case, Goldberg says that effective excuses may seem: "I am really sorry to have forgotten our plans last night. I know that it gives you the impression that I do not care about you, and I never want make you feel this way. "

Identifying exactly what you have done with it while expressing regret shows that you really understand the impact of your actions, says Bray - which is crucial for healing.

"Being specific in your apologies helps the other person to feel understood and appreciated," adds Bray. "It also shows a commitment to solve the specific problems that led to the conflict."

2. Listen actively.

Sincere apologies need to understand the feelings of the other person. The only way to do it is to listen. Remember: there is a big difference between listening to build clarity and compassion and listening simply to develop your next answer.

Invite your friend to inform you of what your behavior made them feel, or how he wishes you managing the situation. Make sure you don't interrupt them while they are talking, says Goldberg, even if you want to defend yourself. Shave your head, establish visual contact and say affirmative answers like "I see" or "of course" are all clues that can show that you are actively listening.

When they finished, you can thank them for sharing their feelings with you.

3. Think and validate - their feelings.

The latest stages of active listening are reflection and validation. Essentially reflected means to repeat what your friend expressed in your own words to demonstrate that you) be careful and b) the accounts correctly.

Here are some examples of what it might look like

• "It seems that you say that it upsets you when I make judgment comments on your partner because it puts you in an awkward position. Is that exact?"
• "What I hear is that when I didn't include you in this party last week, it really injured your feelings and asked you if I did not appreciate our friendship. Did I understand well?
• "Okay, it seems that what you say is that when I ruined this sweater that you let me borrow, it made you feel that I do not care about your belongings. Is there something you want to add or clarify? "

It is also crucial to validate their feelings, explains Meletta. For example, saying something like: "It is totally logical that you felt upset by that" or "I really understand why it would frustrate you."

4. Ask what they need.

In some cases, an injured person may just need excuses. In other cases, they may want a hug, insurance concerning your friendship or a space on your part to treat their emotions and how they would like to proceed. Sometimes hearing that you are determined to change your tracks can also help you, explains Goldberg.

The only way to know what your friend is looking for, of course, is to ask. In this way, you don't have to be a reader - and your friend actually gets their needs.

5. Details what you will do differently next time.

No successful excuse occurs without a clear explanation for the way you manage things in the future.

"Let your friend know that you are determined to avoid future incidents like this, then work hard to do so," says Bray.

For example, let's say that you complained about a common friend of something they have done. In this case, you could tell your friend that if you are never satisfied with their actions in the future, you will bring them your problem directly, no matter how difficult it can be, rather than complaining behind them their backs.

Or, if your friend feels upset because you have neglected to answer their texts lately, you may promise to draw them at least a quick text by letting them know that you are busy and when he can expect a more detailed response.

"Offer to make amends to compensate for the injury you have caused," adds Bray. "Something I teach customers is to correct - then overorrection. If you have canceled a lunch date with your friend, do another date immediately (it's correction), then offer to pay lunch (C 'is overhanging). "

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What not to do during the excuse

Do not stretch them with ambushes.

Believe it or not, it is possible to apologize in the wrong direction. Good apologies will occur on your friend's schedule and at their convenience - not yours.

"Ask your friend when it's a good time to have a conversation about your friendship," advises Maletta. "Even if you have time, space, energy - they can be in the middle of something else."

Giving them a warning guarantees that they present themselves to the mentally and emotionally prepared discussion - which increases the chances that they are ready to hear you.

Don't do it too much.

According to Goldberg, it is actually possible to over -plan. Whether you know it or not, blame yourself excessively, trying to apologize several times, even After Your friend has already accepted things - or becoming too emotional can put your friend in an awkward position.

"This can remove the attention from the problem and make your friend feel the need to comfort you," said Goldberg.

Does not justify.

It should probably go without saying, but you should never apologize for your behavior while apologizing. For example: "I'm sorry not to have appeared at your birthday celebration, but I had a lot on my plate that evening."

"" I am sorry, but ... "often communicate that you do not fully accept the responsibility of your own actions," explains Papa.

In other words, these are not real excuses because it comes with justification.

"Although it can be tempting to explain your behavior, it can be able to apologize," says Bray. "Focus on the recognition of the injury caused, not by defending why you did what you did."

Do not get charges.

Resist the desire to say things like: "I would not have done it if you had not done it ..." or "Well, the only reason I acted in this way is because that you ..."

These types of accusation statements will only make your friend on the defensive, says Meletta, and probably degenerates the conflict - which is exactly the opposite of what you are trying to do.

Here is a good golden rule recommends that it sticks to: making statements that start with "i" instead of "you". For example, "I'm really sorry not to have followed my promise" or "I can understand why you wouldn't want to spend time with me after losing my composure" rather than "you are unreliable too, you know , "or" you always take just as personally, I have just lost my composure.

Do not use conditional language.

"But" is not the only word to avoid by saying sorry - keep the word "if" too.

For example, sentences like "I'm sorry if you felt injured" or "I'm sorry if it bothers you" can really be able to apologize and minimize their feelings, explains Bray.

"It just suggests that your friend is sensitive and that you haven't done anything wrong," she explains.

Do not precipitate the process.

After saying you're sorry, you may feel impatient to know where you are with your friend. But give them time to treat apology, explains Bray.

"Pressing them for forgiveness can give the impression that the excuses concern more your guilt than their feelings," she explains.

Pressing them to decide when they are ready to move forward is a selfish decision, explains Meletta, and will only make the situation more stressful.

Instead, let them know that they can take as much time as they need and let them forthcoming You When they are ready.

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Is it never too late to say sorry?

Whether you injured someone's feelings yesterday, last month or two years ago, the experts agree that it is never too late to say sorry. However, it is important to keep in mind that it is not because you make any excuses that your friend must forgive you.

"Excuses can prepare the ground for a reopening of the communication routes," explains Bray. "This can also demonstrate your growth and that you regret the rift, whatever time of time. The key is to approach the excuses with sincerity and a real desire to make amends, whatever the result."

Make sure you carefully consider your intentions if you are in contact to apologize after a long period of time, explains Goldberg.

"If you try to relieve your own guilt but may reopen old wounds for your ex-friend, it may not be appropriate," she said Better life . "However, in many other cases, reaching out to recognize past errors can offer a closure and potentially rekindle your friendship."

Finally, said Goldberg, keep in mind that there is a chance that your friend may have evolved and does not want to review an old problem - and you must emotionally prepare for this possibility.

Consider excuses as a gift. You do not offer a gift to someone to receive love, affection, gratitude or anything else in return, but rather to ensure that the other person feels seen, appreciated and appreciated.