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Communication is one of the most delicate aspects of any relationship. When you start to go out together, you browse the functioning of the other person, but even several years in marriage, you are your partner can evolve in the way you interact. However, something that is likely to remain consistent is your language of love - and understanding the one you and your S.O. has is beneficial from the start.

As Beth Ribarksy , PHD, professor and director of the school of communication and media at University of Illinois Springfield , notes, these love languages ​​were First described In the successful book Th E 5 Languages ​​of Love: the secret of love that lasts by pastor Gary Chapman , Phd.

"In simple terms, a language of love is the way someone makes you feel loved and neat," explains Ribarsky.

The delicate part is to understand what each of the five languages ​​of love implies and how you can "speak" them.

"The five languages ​​of love - acts of service, gifts, words of affirmation, quality time and contact - are making individuals to express to others how they feel best loved and seen in relationships", "" clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly , PHD, author of The joy of imperfect love , tell Better life . "And, on the other hand, knowing the language of love of another person allows the donor to express love in a way that is significant for a recipient. Knowing your own language of love and that of Those that are dear to you considerably increase the effectiveness of loving gestures. "

Manly notes, however, that couples often have different love languages, which makes it much more important to recognize that you and your partner can have distinct needs.

"The goal in love languages ​​is to connect - and express love - to the partner in their favorite language," she said.

Wondering how to do this in your relationship? Read the rest to find out more about the five love languages ​​and how they can help you communicate.

In relation: These are the 36 questions that lead to love .

Words of affirmation

If your partner is to talk about things and light up when you compliment them, the chances are that their main language of love is words of affirmation.

According to Ribarsky, these people "feel the most loved when expressed verbally".

"Although this may include evidence" I love you ", it also involves words of encouragement, appreciation or flirting," she says. "Beyond these, you can do in So that someone with this language of love feels particularly loved by sending cards, notes or unexpected texts - something that reminds them that you think them. "

Manly also underlines that for these words "hold value to the recipient", they should feel sincere and targeted on their needs.

"For some, hearing" I love you and all that you are "can be an incredibly enriching sentence. Others can be more targeted to make their achievements assert, such as" you have done a fabulous job; Enjoy so much! ”” Explains Manly.

There is also a setback of words of affirmation, because speaking badly to people with this language of love can be particularly painful for them.

"When you use Negative or critical words With this person, your words are like a dagger in their hearts, "Chapman told HuffPost in 2018." Your criticisms hurt them more deeply than they would do not hurt someone with a different language of love. ""

Service acts

Then, the list of love languages ​​is acts of service, which involve tasks for another person.

According to Manly, it is generally the tasks or tasks that "someone may be incapable or does not want to do by himself".

"Examples of acts of service include garbage exit, home maintenance, bathroom cleaning or kitchen dinner," she said.

Ribarsky notes that it is often a common way for men to show their love for a partner.

"Service acts are actions that make your partner's life easier," she shares. "For example, you could take their car to change the oil ... or rat the leaves. These are actions that are away to facilitate someone's day."

In relation: 156 Ways to say "I love you" (without really saying that I love you) .

Quality time

Do you feel the most happy and peaceful with your partner when you spend a day for both of you? There is a good chance that you can value quality time more than other love languages.

Manly highlights the need for "focused connection time", which you can again meet the preferences of your loved one.

"Depending on the personality of a partner, quality time can be as simple as a duet, prepare dinner together or sit side by side on the sofa," explains Manly. "Others enjoy more physical activities such as walking, cycling or adventures together. The key to quality time is to avoid distractions that decrease or harm the connective energy of shared time."

According to Ribarsky, some people with this love language may need quality time that goes beyond simple presence of each other.

"Although most people see time of quality as a time spent together, a person whose language of love is a time of quality seeks a time that focuses on the offer of conversation possibilities," explains Ribarsky . "So, although watching television together can be a quality form of time, a much better quality expression of quality time can be dinner together or for a walk."

To receive presents

We all appreciate a thoughtful gift when the holidays or birthdays roll. But for some people, it goes a little further and the gifts symbolize love.

"Gifts tend to be material items - whether purchased or handmade - which have meaning and value for the receiver," explains Manly.

According to Manly and Ribarsky, you don't need to be intimidated by this language of love, even if it may seem to be an investment.

"A gift does not need to be expensive to have importance for the recipient; examples of significant gifts at low cost include a bouquet of sorted flowers, a lot of homemade cookies or a sincere poem" , offers Manly.

Ribarsky stresses that the goal is to show your partner that you think of them, so it could also be as simple as collecting their favorite candy bar when you stop to get gas. Addressing this, Chapman also told HuffPost that the recipient of gifts was often less interested in the article itself and more interested in thought behind.

So, if your partner's love language receives gifts and you pick up something - being tall or small - they will probably recognize the meaning behind.

"The woman who gives her husband a vacuum cleaner for her birthday is probably thinking about how the gift could benefit her rather than him," said Chapman, also stressing the need to pay attention to these people. According to Chapman, whether they realize it or not, those whose love language receives gifts tends to leave advice on what they want.

"They often verbalize what they would like," said Chapman. "Take a note. They give you precious information."

In relation: What your language of love says of your finances, according to a therapist .

Physical touch

To complete the five languages of love is physical touch.

"It looks like what he is - who liked when someone provides a physical affection, such as hugs, embraces, hugs and will hold hands," said Ribarsky.

But while sex and intimacy "integrate into this category", the smaller keys can be just as beneficial, she adds.

Ribarsky explains: "If your partner has physical contact as a love language, you might be sure to cuddle them or offer a massage."

How do I know what my language of love is?

If you do not know what your language of love is, there is no shortage of online quiz that can help you delete it. But Manly notes that it can be more rewarding to try to journal "which makes you feel loved" and not to limit yourself to a single language.

"While many people think that a person has only one language of love, many people have more than one language of key love," she shares. Ribarsky also underlines that the language in which we like to receive love can certainly differ from the language in which we give love.

"For me, I did not know how important a language of love was for me until I was in a relationship where I did not receive it," explains Ribarsky. "Sometimes the absence of this can make us better understand what is really important to us."

In relation: 5 romantic gestures to do if you have to apologize, say the therapists .

How can love languages help my relationship?

Now that you have a better understanding of the five types of love languages, it is important to know what they mean for your relationship. Here are some ways that knowledge of your language of love and your partner can make a significant difference.

They can help you identify and solve problems.

If you do not give love the way your partner needs, it can create problems.

"Couples often do not share the same language of love and tend to" give love "to their partner in their own language. No matter how much the needs in a language of love that do not correspond to the needs of a partner often creates a feeling of disconnection and even resentment because the main needs of each partner are not satisfied, "explains Manly . "When love languages are incompatible and are not attentive to the needs of the recipient, the donor tends not to be appreciated, and the receiver tends to feel invisible and even unloved."

Thus, working to "speak" about your partner's love language can help avoid this.

"When partners have different love languages, it is important that each partner understands the love language of their partner and then meets the partner's need in a corresponding manner," explains Manly.

They can help you show that you care.

According to Ribarsky, if you and your partner take the time to communicate on your love languages, it will probably become a little easier to meet the needs of each other and show them that you care. AE0FCC31AE342FD3A1346EBB1F342FCB

"Although their language of love is not the same as yours, this is where the platinum rule actually in play - treat others how they would like to be treated. By making the effort to realize the language of 'The desired love of your partner, it can show your partner you are ready to get out of your comfort zone to make it feel treated, "says Ribarsky.

In relation: What are the links of the soul? Understand a new romantic connection .

They can help you feel connected.

If you and your partner seem to feel "off", recognition of your love languages is a way of restoring a connection. Manly illustrates this using an anecdote of one of its customers.

According to Manly, the customer realized that he needed quality time, words of affirmation and physical contact "to an equal measure". Once this was communicated to their husband, he was able to "connect" and recognize their needs.

On the other hand, by recognizing the love language of their husband, Manly's customer was able to "put efforts in fields that translate by feeling loved". Consequently, Manly says that the pair felt more "connected and appreciated" each other.

They can help you with other relationships.

Although your romantic relationship is likely to flourish with an understanding of the five languages of love, Ribarsky stresses that they can also help you in other areas of your life.

"Although we most often think of love languages with regard to romantic partners, this is something that applies to all our relationships," she shares. "For example, knowing how your friends feel the most loved or the most supported can help provide them with effective social support."

In relation: 5 romantic gestures that they will never forget, say the experts in relation .

What is the most common language of love?

According to Ribarsky, research varies on which the language of love is the most popular.

In 2010, Chapman in fact carried out an analysis to answer this question, using the answers of 10,000 people who took the online quiz on the official website of the Languages of Love, HuffPost reported. It was a narrow race, but the words of assertion beat quality time of 3%(23%against 20%, respectively), followed by service acts (20%), physical touch (19%) and gifts (18%).

However, Research carried out By the Hinge dating site in 2018 found different results, with a quality time classification such as the most common love language among its users. As Elite Daily reported, quality time was popular among men and women - and he was selected twice more often than words of affirmation, which was the finalist.

What types of criticism exist on the five languages of love?

As with many things, not everyone is a great supporter of love languages. In fact, experts have some criticism of Chapman's approach.

"First, Chapman used small empirical evidence to find these love languages," said Ribarsky, referring to scientific evidence collected from " Systematic observations . ""

For his part, Chapman did not say that his approach was impregnated with science , after developing the Love Languages concept while advising the couples of his Baptist church, Vox reported earlier this year.

Other researchers believe that Chapman's approach is "too simplistic", says Ribarsky, "put people in boxes". Vox actually assimilated the categories to the simplicity of Harry Potter " Hogwarts houses . ""

Manly adds that researchers have not found any correlation between the integration of love languages and higher relational satisfaction - and some cannot have the impression of being "impregnated with misogyny and concepts of concepts 'exclusion".

While Vox developed, the couples that Chapman advised in the 80s and 90s were largely white heterosexual Christian couples in which the woman stayed at home while the husband was going to work and provide. Although this does not mean that love languages cannot be applied to homosexual or other relationships, criticisms dispute the fact that the book does not approach them.

It is also important to consider underlying trauma or other problems that exist in relationships that could make love languages unable to "promote long-term changes", says Manly.

However, when used properly, Manly and Ribarksy think that the five love languages can be a useful tool.

"The judicious use of this concept - as a complement to the promotion of the dynamics of global healthy relationships - can help couples feel more attentive from each other," concludes Manly.