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If you have spent time in couple therapy - or even in individual therapy - you probably know that it may be better to avoid saying the word "should". Especially when you talk to your partner, Using the word Establish an expectation that can trigger the defensive, disappointment and confusion.

Many experts suggest reformulating the phrases "should" like "I" sentences. So, you may exchange "you should have nourished the cat this morning" with "I feel overwhelmed by my morning routine and would appreciate your help with tasks". However, there are cases where the “should” sentences are more damaging than others. In front, the therapists decompose them for us and describe how to communicate more clearly.

Read this then: 8 "small but toxic" things to stop telling your partner, according to the therapists .

If you do not feel expressed by your partner, you might be tempted to tell them something in the sense of "you should be more attentive to my needs". However, although it is sure to draw their attention, this sentence raises a problem without communicating something specific to the recipient to change, explains Frank Thewes , approved social worker and owner of Path therapy .

"A safer way to communicate something like that could be to validate a specific need you want more, like" I love it when we cuddle and watch a show after dinner "", explains Thewes. "This indicates a specific need in a valid way that is not an opponent." In addition, it is more likely to result in the behavior you would like to see.

When your partner says or does something overwhelming, many people say: "You need to know what I feel." Kara Nassour , LPC, NCC, Counseling with a shaded branch , notes that sometimes people say it out loud, while other times is a tacit hypothesis. AE0FCC31AE342FD3A1346EBB1F342FCB

"It is harmful because even the most perceptive partner cannot know your emotions as well as you, and if you expect them to read your mind, they will make mistakes," explains Nassour. "Instead, give your partner the benefit of the doubt and put your feelings in words, so that they can better understand you." Again, it is a question of being specific.

Your sex life should be gently managed and launch sentences like "you should want to have sex more often" can make permanent damage. Unfortunately, Leigh Norén ,, Sex and relationships therapist And the social worker says it's common.

"Couples with incompatible libidos often end up having conversations where the blame is transmitted to the other," explains Norén. "This is harmful because your partner has the impression that there is something that does not go with them." This can hinder trust and emotional connection and can further reduce their libido.

Instead, if you want have more sex , Have a frank conversation. "Say something like:" Hey, I noticed that you have not wanted to have sex lately, and I wondered if we can discuss on this subject? I miss you and I want to talk about how we can get closer again, "" advises Norén. "This type of conversation starter is less likely to pass your partner in defensive mode - and more likely to start an empathetic conversation - the genre that could actually lead you to bring you closer and be intimate again."

Read this then: The 6 words that you should "never" tell your partner, according to a therapist .

You will probably also want to transmit sentences "should" on money, like "you should find a job that pays more". According to Thewes, it is a "gentle ultimatum" and addresses one of the most common causes of relational conflict.

"The recipient of this" expression "will probably have to become defensive or injured, causing damage to the relationship," explains Thewes. "A less critical and conflicting example of the way of approaching this subject would be:" I feel stressed by the 'Money. Are there any ways of you and think to increase our income and improve our financial security? "" Using an "I" expression, you will enter the conversation in a more neutral way.

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You are most likely to use a sentence "should" when you feel disappointed in one way or another. Often, they look like "you should have done x" or "you shouldn't have done Y." In many cases, these sentences are counterproductive, so the next time you feel wanting to throw a phrase "should", see if there is a way to reformulate it.

"For example, saying" you should have reminded me "may appear as accusing and imply that the other person has done something wrong," said Barbara Santini , psychologist at Peaches and cries . "Instead, you can try to say something like:" I was worried when I didn't hear you. Is everything alright? "" This last approach shows a concern and empathy rather than a disappointment.