Good Lifestyle

"Am I with the right person?" Is a question that most of us have asked us at a time of a relationship. For you, it might seem like this: "Is it?" "Am I instead?" Or "is a pretty person for a life?" However, you will inform it, committing a lifetime may seem to be one of the most frightening and discouraged aspects of "adult". A 2018 Earmony survey revealed that the three main reasons for millennia include aFear of commitment Are: uncertainty about whether a partner was right for them (39%), the fear of opening and potentially injured again (38%) and a lack of confidence in their own ability to maintain a successful relationship (35%).

Old, young, man, woman or whoever between can have aFear of commitment. However, men in particular report worrying higher rates.Men fear that this committed to a person means saying no to the future options seemingly "better" at the corner of the street. The fear of setting up and removing the opportunity to be with the best thing to do with the best thing to stay stagnant, disconnected and paralyzed anxiety.

This is because men are socialized to "deliver", so the idea of ​​making a vow and break it, is assimilated to an unacceptable failure. NumerousPeople come to couples therapy Because man will not engage, and yet the guilt he feels not to be able to meet the request of his partner instructive fear and the desire to withdraw: self-protecting, doubt, withdraw. Essentially, the more guilty men generate not to be "capable" of committing, the more they fear the commitment.

The search for the Gottman Institute shows that the majority ofMen are withdrawn, withdrawing to feel safe in the conflict. Meanwhile, the majority of women are pursued, criticizing or demonstrations to protect against vulnerability in conflict. here is theStimulating cat and mouse game This makes commitment difficult and scary for as many of us.

AsModern love therapists who support heterosexual individuals and LGBTQ andcouples who want to engage for life, myself and couple therapist and artistBenjamin's sailor, LCSW, has developed a guide to work through these challenges so as to generate the possibility rather than limitation.

How to overcome your fear of commitment

1. Take responsibility for your relationship anxiety.

It is important to differentiate the anxiety of relationship and intuition. Fear ofTo be with the so-called "bad person" can be an intuition or omen. If you quickly want the belief that you will not let if you were with another person, you may try to relieve you to take responsibility.

Therapist and anxiety relationshipsSheryl Paul, MA, reminds us that at the root of the questions, "Is my partner pretty good, quite attractive, smart enough, quite spiritual, is:" Am I enough? "Instead of watching a red flag, she recommends asking yourself:" How can I feel from my partner when my heart is open and I'm not in an anxious state? "

2. Monogamy redefine.

The meaning we do something affects the way we think about it. To considerThis definition of monogamy: A truly profound surge than each of you is.

Those who believe that there is so much to discover on who they can be together with their partner report a higher level ofSatisfaction of the relationship and can find the idea of ​​being with someoneotheruninteresting. If there is a need that is not accomplished in your relationship, that's something you can commit to deal with him / it, even if it's difficult? How can you create a security zone so that neither one of youwants Go out of that?

3. Do not think of committing like "adjust".

There is a widespread erroneous perception that settles means taking less than you deserve. In reality, settling just means you accepted something you did not like anddid not say anythingabout that. This does not solve if you are in a relationship where you can talk about the aspirations you have not encountered and that these aspirations are recognized and discussed constructively.

4. have realistic expectations.

It is important to make room for ambivalence. The choir does not have to sing a melody to make and live with a decision in peace of mind. Know that people rarely feel about 100%anything. It is normal to feel uncertain and contemplative as to a decision, but that does not necessarily mean that there isSomethingwrong in the relationship.

5. Understand where your fear of commitment comes from.

The fear of commitment can really be aboutAfraid of the unknown. Make a self-inventory to see how you manipulated an unknown territory in the past. Most likely you will find that you have many challenge experiences and attracting basic forces to continue.

6. Do not assume your relationship or partner will meet all your needs.

A person is not able to answer each of our needs. In fact, in all relations, there are always three sets of needs that may not be completed at the same time: your needs, your needs of your partner and the needs of the relationship. TheMost successful couples Are not necessarily those with the most common, but those who are emerging their differences with respect.

Ask yourself: Can my desires and needs be seen and recognized by my partner, while respecting outside the partnership? For example, if your partner does not like doing exercise, this can be suitable for finding a training friend rather than interpreting this difference asSign of incompatibility.

7. Do not be defensive.

About each other's imperfections without trying to repair them. In the words of the expert of mindfulnessTara brach"Imperfection is not our personal problem - it's a natural part of the existing." Here are three steps to implementNon-defensive communication Feel seen, heard and more connected:

• Indicate an observation without blaming by using "I" statements and avoid "always" and "never" statements. (Try "I see that the bathroom has not been cleaned" instead of "you will never clean the bathroom!")
• Indicate how the action or inaction of the other person made you feel. (Try "I feel frustrated and I do not know what to do" instead of "you make me so angry!")
• Make a specific request instead of a criticism. (Try "can you agree to put your phone when we discuss things that are important to me?" Instead of "you never listen to me!")

8. Commit to the process, not just the person.

Remember that you do not commit yourself to the person in front of you for life, but you are committed to being working through things together. Believe that a person will never change isimpossible. The question can go from "Are they those?"To" Is it someone I think I can work with things? "

As a writerPaulo Coehlo noted, "[My wife] is a completely different person, physically and mentally, of the person I married 35 years ago. So am I ... Everyone will change. So accept that changes are part of of our lives makes marriage a blessing and not a curse. "